If you’re living in the few parts of Australia left where you can still walk out your front door and not be burnt immediately to a crisp by an out-of-control bushfire, The Bug‘s world-famous soothsayer Kisma Aryias still pleads with you to be brave and give it a go!
“Put your trust in me and I’ll keep you safe at least for the final month of Spring before it really gets hot and windy,” Kisma said by satellite phone from his tinnie right in the middle of Lake McKenzie on whatever Fraser Island is now called.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You feel just a little sorry for independent Senator Lidia Thorpe when you see vision of her on the tele in a street protest shouting: “What do we want? Truth-telling and treaty! When do we want it? Now!” Wasn’t there just one other person who wanted to join with her on such a noble and clearly winnable cause?
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
But watching the footage, you do notice Tony Abbott standing on the footpath, laughing his head off and eating an unpeeled onion simultaneously.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You are very excited to read that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese plans to visit Australia very soon.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
As someone who absolutely adores chocolates and all other types of confectionery but who is also dyslexic, you’re absolutely thrilled that your new job means you’ll be spending so many hours each day seven days a week in a local sweat shop.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You are still smarting over the fact that every kid who knocked on your door last night was at first genuinely startled but regained their composure long enough to compliment you on your Halloween costume, face prosthetics, and make-up when you weren’t wearing any.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a poorly lit laneway at night and armed with a 3.5kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who sold Channel 9 the idea for the “reality” show My Mum. Your Dad.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You finally seek professional help for this recurring and seemingly never-ending erotic dream where you make passionate love to Michaelia Cash and Sussan Ley in a seering, sweaty, limb-entwined, threesome on this giant king-sized four-poster bed under a lilac canopy.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
And after just two sessions, your psychiatrist cuts off all contact and also seeks his own intensive treatment from a coterie of trusted colleagues. Despite their extensive experience and professionalism, it’s not expected to go well and his life remains in danger.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You don’t feel any sympathy at all for the bloke – and you’re only assuming it’s a bloke – mentioned in the Taurus star sign above. You’ve been having much the same dream – no, make that nightmare – but your group sex session with Michaelia Cash and Sussan Ley also includes Bronwyn Bishop and Christopher Pyne and a very large bucket of lard that never seems to empty.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
While bitterly disappointed by the Voice referendum outcome, you at least take some comfort in the knowledge that multiple mine owner Warren Mundine will only have to deal with local Aboriginals and not any nosey, wider, group out to cause even more trouble for one of the nation’s few successful Aboriginals simply trying to eke out a decent and honourable living.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You also decide to pen a thank-you note to Herald-Sun columnist Andrew Bolt for his key role during the Voice campaign in ensuring Melbourne will never, ever, now be renamed Naarm against the wishes of the vast majority of that city’s five million citizens. Phew, isn’t that a relief?
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You wonder if PM Anthony Albanese will officially thank Scott Morrison for giving him advice on what not to do or say in his upcoming trip to China and his talks with President Xi Jinping, seeing that if Albanese now does the exact opposite it should ensure a successful trip outcome and political plaudits at home.
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