THE VOICE REFERENDUM:
On the eve of the Voice referendum vote, federal Opposition leader Peter Dutton has chosen The Bug for an exclusive telephone interview in which he insisted – nay, demanded – that no topic was off the table and all of our questions would be handled in his customary open and honest manner.
The Bug: Thanks for your time. It’s the last full day of campaigning so we really appreciate the time you’ve taken out here to communicate with our readers.
Peter Dutton: My pleasure.
The Bug: You must appreciate you’re taking an enormous risk doing this. Even Sarah Ferguson could rip you apart given the dreadful lies your mob’s been spreading during this campaign. And you were starting to get labelled as gutless and nutless for not agreeing to an interview like this one at some stage in this campaign?
Peter Dutton: Well, that’s a bit unfair. But start with your questions and let’s see how we go, eh?
The Bug: Do you accept that the Uluru statement from the heart is only a one-page document containing only hundreds of words created by some 250 First Nations people?
Peter Dutton: My goodness. Is that the time. We might have to wrap things up here.
The Bug: A lot of your fellow No campaigners have been banging on for weeks that it’s dozens of pages long and contains all sorts of bitter demands and threats from First Nations people. It’s been just part of a perfect campaign to strike fear in the minds of fellow racists around the nation?
Peter Dutton: If you don’t know, vote know!
The Bug: Sorry?
Peter Dutton: All my colleagues and I have been trying to do is to get across that this is a very complex issue that’s almost impossible to understand so it’s best not to even try.
The Bug: Your side has also argued that the Voice is racist and divisive because it’s offering something to Aboriginals and Torres Strait Islanders that is not being offered to other Australians.
Peter Dutton: It is very unfair in that regard, that’s for sure.
The Bug: So you think white Australians should have a voice to Parliament to, what, close the gap by lowering their life expectancy and help achieve much poorer outcomes in health, education, employment, property ownership, financial security and the like?
Peter Dutton: Now you just being silly but, my goodness, is that the time? We might have to wrap things up here.
The Bug: Peter Dutton, you do understand why the hashtag #blacklivesmatter was created?
Peter Dutton: If you don’t know, vote No!
The Bug: And that the hashtag created in response – #whitelivesmattertoo – is a complete nonsense, one of blinding Hansonesque stupidity and moronic racist ignorance, not that it stopped the Liberal and National parties supporting a Pauline Hanson motion in the Senate to that effect?
Peter Dutton: My goodness. Is that the time? We might have to wrap things up here.
The Bug: Your side argued consistently that there was a lack of detail yet at the same time there was already too much detail to bother wading through and trying to come to grips with?
Peter Dutton: If you don’t know, vote No!
The Bug: Take a look at this photo from that recent No rally in Melbourne. It was paraded by Nazis who attended that rally, covering their faces and shouting Sieg Heil and throwing Hitler salutes about.
Peter Dutton: Yes, it’s disgusting, isn’t it? They should all be deported after being shot first.
The Bug: But aren’t your LNP people – and Tony Abbott has led the way – saying much the same thing. That the Voice is racist and divisive because it’s totally unfair to white Australians. Unfair to whites is anti-white? Just slightly different words, surely?
Peter Dutton: My goodness. Is that the time? We might have to wrap things up here.
The Bug: The No camp has used a litany of lies, a farrago of fibs to belittle the Voice and frighten voters with some dreadful dog-whistling to the racists among us. The Voice will lead to treaty and reparations. White people’s homes and businesses will be confiscated. Whities will have to pay to go to their local beach. Cities will be forced to change to local Aboriginal names. Australia will grind to a halt with the High Court bogged down with FNP demands! Can you name one truth raised by your side since this debate began?
Peter Dutton: If you don’t know, vote No?
The Bug: Let’s finish on a lighter note. Despite your image as a tough man on borders and the like, apparently you’re quite the clown when the occasion suits. Is it true that you do quite good impersonations of former Liberal leaders?
Peter Dutton: Yes, that’s true.
The Bug: Care to show us some of them?
Peter Dutton: Sure. Ready?
The Bug: Yep.
Peter Dutton: Ahh, ahh, ahh … I’l decide how this interview is terminated and …aah, ahh, ahh … the manner in which that termination is undertaken.
The Bug: Very good.
Peter Dutton: Thanks. Can you guess this one. You know, Australia cannot afford a third chamber of Parliament for First Nations people.
The Bug: Excellent.
Peter Dutton: Thank you. I normally use props such as a top hat and tails when I do Turnbull. How’s this one: I never bagged electric vehicles. it’s good technology. But it won’t tow your boat or get you to your favourite camping spot.
The Bug: Uncanny. Time for one more?
Peter Dutton: Sure: Climate change is crap!
The Bug: Spooky. You’ve even nailed that parrot tongue-darting-in and-out-of-his-lips-thing Abbott does every time he thinks he’s saying something clever or funny, which is all the time.
Peter Dutton: Ta. I normally do Tony while eating an unpeeled onion but thanks. I’ve got one more if you like?
The Bug: Sure.
Peter Dutton: I have nothing against Aborigines but would you want one living next door to you?
The Bug: Joh Bjelke-Petersen was never prime minister.
Peter Dutton: Well, he could have been.
The Bug: When you’re doing those former PM impersonations and, we guess, you’re thinking back over their time in power – the Lying Rodent who never, ever had any trouble throwing the truth overboard, the Mad Monk who in a few short years became a laughing stock of an ex-PM, Fizza Turnbull who in the end couldn’t win a Newspoll to save his life and ended up showing us on the hustings that he had all the charisma of a flat torch battery, and of course the Liar from the Shire who couldn’t lie straight in bed and who always preferred a fib over a fact – who do you think you’re most like?
Peter Dutton: Did you hear my comment just today that Anthony Albanese never once mentioned the idea of this disruptive and racist Voice referendum in the months leading up to the May 2022 election?
The Bug: So it’s Scott Morrison then?
Peter Dutton: He’s my ultimate hero but I think I have the potential to be the sum of all the worst parts of those former Liberal prime ministers.
The Bug: That’s our guess too.
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