Look, we all accept that if we listen to the climate change experts, Australia’s got some shocking months ahead of us and we’d all be forgiven for staying in bed and pulling the doona over our heads, right?
But that doona’s already far too bloody hot for us red-blooded men, right, even if the missus wants to keep it on for another six weeks or so?
But what sort of life is that, right, sweating away on the marital workbench but not in the way you now fondly remember?
All we can promise is that if you have the guts to put your faith in arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer in history, you can venture out your front door over the middle month of Spring and not be burnt to a crisp by an early-fire-season apocalyptic event!
So, c’mon! Cast that doona aside, tell the missus it had better be tucked away high up in a cupboard with the mothballs when you return, slip on some shorts and trainers and step outside! Kisma Aryias will keep you safe! You know he will …. for has he ever let you down?
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You keep thinking about that disgraceful sign that the Nazis displayed at that No! rally in Melbourne against the Voice to Parliament … yes, this one…
… and you can’t for the life of you see it’s any different really to one of the principle themes being pushed by the LNP and the media in this campaign: that the Voice is racist and divisive because it’s offering something to black people that is not being offered to other Australians, which clearly makes it unfair to white Aussies or put another way…. wait for it …. ANTI-WHITE!
TONY ABBOTT – November 4, 1957 to now
Yep, that’s a pretty accurate summing up of the dog-whistling we’re using here to defeat the referendum.
JOHN HOWARD – July 26, 1939 to now
Ahh, ahh, ahh … that is indeed spot on. Ahh, ahh, ahh … we’ll determine the number of lies we need to tell to defeat this referendum, and… ahh, ahh, ahh … the manner in which they are relentlessly told and retold.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You take in another of those rather dated episodes of The Graham Norton Show on Channel 13 Nickelodean and find yourself not at all surprised to discover that the two couch guests are Michael Caine and Dustin Hoffman plugging their latest movie roles in The Italian Job and Midnight Cowboy respectively and that the show’s musical spot is The Beatles with the Fab Four all at the top of their game.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
And you suddenly realise you weren’t even born when the episode was first screened in 1969.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You’re still scratching your head over how it’s at all possible that the new Qantas CEO is now tasked with trying to repair the airline’s shattered reputation and widespread passenger distrust/disgust yet former boss Alan Joyce was set to receive a final year’s payout of salary and bonuses worth $25 million for reaching KPI targets. How above the earth can those two fucking things both fly together, you keep muttering to yourself.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You really do admire Clive Palmer’s decision to throw $2 million worth of advertising into the No campaign against the First Nation’s people’s voice to Parliament. He clearly has given up all hope of ever getting the federal Labor government’s approval for any mine project he might be planning.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You hear that, days later, the party is still raging on the editorial floor of the Herald Sun in Melbourne as editors, artists, reporters and columnists finally celebrate their success in getting rid of that corrupt, divisive, hated, oft-mentioned at IBAC, dictatorial and thoroughly unpleasant Dan Andrews. “Fuck off, you cunt! You would have lost the 2026 election by a country mile!” they were still shouting at last report, led by a hoarse James Campbell and, via video link, special guest, The Australian‘s Rachel Baxendale.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You are not at all surprised to hear that Scott Morrison’s book on how Pentacostalism guided his amazingly successful life has already been spotted in remainder bins at bookshops for $1.99, even though it’s not coming out until May next year.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You finally succumb to the heavy bombardment of advertisements for online betting agencies and sign up to one purely to find out what the fuck a “same game multi” is.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a dark and deserted laneway late at night armed only with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the newspaper executive who thought it was a good idea to give Parnell Palme McGuinness regular columns in the weekend Heralds.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You lie awake in bed late at night, wondering if KFC has ever run a print or electronic media advertisement that made any of their product lines look even remotely attractive, let alone edible.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
Your hopes for a Yes outcome at the looming Voice referendum are lifted on hearing the news that of the 450 Liberal Party members who attended that No launch in Perth the other week – yes, that’s right: the one at which Michaelia Cash screeched at them to rotate their “If you don’t know, vote No!'” banners over and over again – almost 89 per cent have since died of old age.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Your chances of a promotion at work evaporate when your boss bluntly tells you he’s convinced that you’ve got the business promotion skills and people-management abilities of a poor-man’s Elon Musk.
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