VICTORIAN POLITICS:
An unknown number of editorial staff of News Crap Australia’s Melbourne publications remain in several of the city’s hospitals following a newsroom meeting yesterday.
A News Crap Australia source said ambulances were called to the company’s Southbank headquarters (main picture) as staff began collapsing during the meeting called by Herald Sun editor Sam Weir to discuss this week’s sudden resignation of Dan Andrews as Victorian Premier.
“Sam called the meeting to generate ideas on what the paper should call Premier Jacinta Allan,” the source said.
“He had only one ask of his staff – come up with a derogatory and baseless nickname that the paper can apply to the new Premier from day one of her administration that can help the Liberal Party win office at the next election no matter how undeserving of support they may be.
“Sam insisted he wanted something akin to ‘Dictator Dan’ and after several hours of hearing and rejecting ideas he and everyone else in the newsroom were getting very tired and tempers started to fray.
“In the end the best anyone could come up with was ‘Autocrat Allan’. Sam wasn’t very happy with that and made his views known.
“One silly and rather junior reporter in the room ventured the view that it was way too soon to label Allan, but he was quickly forced to collect his belongings and was shouted down and forcefully reminded as security led him from the building of the paper’s mission – indeed News Crap Australia’s mission across the nation – to unseat Labor leaders and Labor governments regardless of how they perform in office and regardless of how well voters back them at elections.
“It was about that time that staff started to collapse from exhaustion and some began shaking and weeping, so ambulances were called to take them away for treatment.
“While the meeting didn’t actually decide on a negative nickname for the new Premier, someone did suggest a headline ‘HIT THE ROAD JAC’ which Sam loved and declared he’d be using just as soon as someone wrote the story to go with it,” the source said.
“Apparently James Campbell shouted: ‘I’m onto it, sir!” and waddled away to his cubicle to quickly tap out the suitable copy using his usual two fingers.”
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