or to use its scientific term … Don’tknowicus votenoeii!

This column is devoted to some of my friends on Farcebook – past mainstream mediocre mates now retired or who still dabble in unintentionally very funny political columns for Newscorpse – who appear to be wetting their pants about what damage a No result in the Voice referendum will do to Anthony Albanese and the Australian Labor Party.

I can almost hear the corks on their champagne bottles popping on the night of October 14 as it’s confirmed – in their minds at least – that their man Peter Dutton has grabbed the political ascendancy over a hapless Albanese and is without doubt now headed for The Lodge come the next federal election!

Look, I’m sort of reluctant to burst their bubble here but being a glass half full of champers man myself, I want to let them know what the reality of a No vote will mean.

Dutton will get no lift whatsoever over his tragic decision to eschew bipartisan support for the long-overdue, modest, sensible and worthy Voice and to make this referendum a political issue that has divided this nation with most if not all of the No arguments based on racism, lies and wilful misinformation.

Let’s put it another way. I reckon a school leaver with their lips covered in suppurating and odourous cold sores has a greater chance of getting a kiss at Schoolies than Dutton has of getting any bounce whatsoever from knocking off the Voice.

In a half-century of watching Australian politics, I have never seen one side’s argument so totally devoid of logic, commonsense and truthfulness. It’s been a litany of lies; a farrago of fibs that would make Scott Morrison proud.

And from the get-go, the basic themes of the No argument has been the racist notion that our First Nations people are being offered something that’s not also being offered to other (that’s us whities!) Australians. And that a Voice would be followed by a treaty where our homes are at risk.

From the get-go, the leaders of the No argument have accused the other side of being racist, elitist, and divisive. Joseph Goebbels would be proud. There are so many lies being spread about the voice that even Morrison might blush over what he’s taught his party. The Voice is Albanese’s baby. It’s Labor thing. It’s Canberracentric.

I could list all those lies and the unauthorised cooker conspiracy theories that seem part and parcel of modern Liberal campaign tactics but why bother. I could tell those former mainstream media mates to read them and weep but they won’t believe them anyway so there’ll be no weeping from them.

I could at least plead with them to appreciate that there’s probably not one argument on the No side that would find favour with any well-trained adjudicator at any debate forum, be it at a high school, college or university. All lies, bullshit and bluster and Michaelia Cash would be laughed off stage as the second speaker for screaming “Don’t know; Vote No!” over and over again as if she’s insulting a room of old, drying, Liberals incapable of learning about an issue. Oooh. Is “old dying Liberals” a double tautology?

Like Dutton himself, I suspect my former MSM colleagues couldn’t give a flying fuck that the world would rightly see us as racist or stupid or both if the referendum goes down.

Like Dutton, they see a political advantage for the right-wing of Australian politics in such a result when I’m once again not sorry to remind them that none exists.

I remain hopeful that the Voice will get up – last weekend’s marches and today’s enrolment figures are very promising – but I’ll tell those former colleagues of mine of one other thing I’m sure of. The Yes vote will be strong in the cities and Dutton by his selfish, self-centred but ultimately stupid and self-defeating actions has written off any chance he might have had of recapturing former Liberal seats from Teal, Green and Labor members.

Pop as much champagne as you want, guys, on the night but there’s a very, very good chance that we’re not going to see another LNP federal government any time soon – if not our collective lifetimes – unless the Liberal Party completely purges itself of the Duttons who infect it.

Don Gordon-Brown

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com