There’s no prizes for guessing what topic has been dominating the thinking, or more correctly the forward thinking, of our resident soothsayer as we start counting down to the day Australian voters will write “yes” or Right “no” on their referendum ballot papers.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
The thought “a leopard never changes its spots” comes immediately to mind when you hear John Howard arguing The Voice referendum has to be defeated because governments clearly will have to implement whatever the Voice asks for. You then immediately marvel at the man’s genius at being able to say “the darkies are going to take over Australia and you’ll have to pay rent on the homes you already own” without actually saying it. Pure genius. Evil, but pure genius.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You also wish your front windows had been closed when you listened to John Howard delivering those arguments on the TV news because there are now hundreds of dogs on your front lawn howling uncontrollably.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You arrive a tad late to a special “No to the Voice” meeting of your local One Nation branch and wonder why it is spending so much time discussing contemporary conflicts on the African continent, but then realise it’s just to give everyone in the room the opportunity to deliberately mispronounce the name Niger as loud as they can.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Your immediate thought on opening up your Voice referendum pamphlet dropped in your letterbox is that it would make any of Patrick White’s novels look interesting and really quite readable.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You seek professional help for a recurring nightmare where you are forced to attend a dinner party with Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen, James Campbell, Peta Credlin, Paul Murray, Gerard Henderson and Vikki Campion as the other guests around the table for eight and the entire evening’s discussion centres on The Voice referendum.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You lie awake in bed wondering how it’s at all possible that rich, privileged, white Tony Abbott doesn’t blush in the slightest each time he mounts his basic Voice No message: why should First Nations people who trail so badly in many of life’s markers – life expectancy, education, health, wealth, job opportunities, etc – be offered an advisory role to federal parliament on matters that affect them when we whities aren’t being offered the same thing! You then mutter repeatedly to yourself: could it possibly be that Abbott is that fucking dumb? And that fucking racist? Both answers come to you in a blinding flash.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You wonder for how much longer the social mediocre platform X will still be known as Twitter and its posts known as tweets even though Elon Musk long ago plucked and stuffed the darling, harmless little blue bird.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
Your local GP treats you for shock after you watched yet another of those hundreds of dated, years-old episodes of The Graham Norton Show being run on Channel 13’s Nickelodeon and realising you’ve actually heard of the night’s music guest soloist or band.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You feel fighting fit on arrival at your local medical practice for your regular annual check-up but are soon rushed to hospital in an ambulance suffering from shock when your GP sees you spot on your actual appointment time.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway late at night armed with a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the frail old chemist who sold Peter Dutton’s father the perished, way-past-its-use-by-date franger he used nine months before Peter was born.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
While you can clearly recall your wild celebrations 40 years ago this month when the New York Yacht Club surrendered the America’s Cup to Australia II for the first time in 132 years, you can’t recall who actually holds the Auld Mug at the moment and, moreover, couldn’t give a flying fuck who it is.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You are surprised with the big response to your call on social media for average Aussies to submit their ideas for a special send-off to outgoing Qantas boss Alan Joyce, but question whether the most popular suggestion – strapping him to the wing of a Qatar Airlines plane bound for Ireland – would be legal.
Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!
The Bug Online 