A cruel hoax perpetrated by tech-savvy experts has left Aunty Pauline, leader of the white indigenous One Nations people, seriously ill overnight in a whites-only private hospital in Gatton in Queensland’s south-east.
Doctors say Aunty Pauline, from the One Nations sub-group, the Bitchity Grub mob who have roamed the Lockyer Valley and nearby Ipswich region for as long as they can remember as fish and chip hunter-gatherers and then yam diggers, is expected to make a full recovery and unfortunately will be back to her old self after a reasonably short recovery time.
Aunty Pauline (pictured at top this morning) collapsed from shock at her Lockyer Valley farmhouse the second she realised the extent of the trick played on her.
The unnamed tech-savvy nerds had somehow intercepted the broadcast of the pre-game ceremony before the World Football Cup clash between the Australian Matildas and the French Les Bleurs at Lang Park … sorry, Suncorp Stadium …. sorry, Brisbane stadium, and changed the words of the welcome-to country ceremony being beamed into Aunty Pauline’s home.
While the rest of the world heard a rather charming and harmless explanation – well, to any normal, educated, decent person, that is – from Uncle Shannon Ruska (below) of what the welcome to country meant in 50,000 years of Aboriginal culture that any normal, educated, decent person would be proud of , Aunty Pauline got an entirely different take.
She heard Uncle Shannon Ruska declare that not only the stadium but the entire country of Australia, and that included Tasmania too, was and always would be Aboriginal land and he ordered “all white fellas” among the 46,000 fans present to leave the stadium immediately and empty their wallets on their way out.
And be prepared to start paying rent to their First Nations masters when they got home.
The Bug understands that Aunty Pauline, although there’s not a racist bone in her entire body, jumped up from her couch, sending the book she was currently reading, The Ku Klux Klan: The White Years, thudding to the floor.
Aunty Pauline had just made it over to her wall phone and had speed-dialed former Prime Minister Tony Abbott and was jumping up and down, excitingly repeating over and over again: “We warned them this would happen, Tony! The Voice is going down!” when she saw the pranksters at her window waving “gotcha!” signs, just as she was about to add: “White Lives Matter too!” and “Why should 3 per cent of Australians be offered something that’s not being offered to us Whities too?!”.
And even though there’s not a racist bone in her body, Aunty Pauline shrieked at the top of her lungs with white-hot anger and shouted: “You c…n-loving c..ts!” before her eyes rolled up inside her eyelids and she collapsed unconscious to the floor, unaware for the time being that there was not a single racist bone in her entire body.
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