WOMEN’S WORLD CUP:
Senior management of the Brisbane Bolts have rejected criticism of efforts by the club’s top players to “mentor” members of the Matildas in how to best celebrate their historic Women’s Football World Cup quarter-final win over “those whingeing, bitching, injury-feigning, referee-harassing Frogs”.
Widespread concerns of the efforts by Bolts’ players to school members of the national women’s football team in player behaviour follow the arrest late last night at a Brisbane CBD hotel of several Matildas’ players including captain Sam Kerr.
Kerr and the other team members were held overnight at the Brisbane Watchhouse but were released on bail this morning.
The Bug understands members of both the Matildas and the Bolts teams will face charges including assault, wilful exposure, drug possession, vandalism, and animal cruelty.
The Bolts’ long-standing centre-back left gouger, Dick “Big Dick” Biggs, (below) said he and his fellow players would fight the charges.
“Me and the boys were just trying to help Sam and the girls by throwing a party and giving them some tips on how to behave as national sporting heroes and role models,” Biggs said.
“They need to know that once you’re a top Aussie sports star you need to act like one, which is why we told them they now need to start partying hard, get pissed, start taking drugs, and get a few sexual assault charges under their belts.
“Public image is important too, so our first port of call was a tattooist where we had Sam Kerr inked with a couple of really tasteful face and neck designs before we took her and her team off to the party. (main picture)
Long-standing centre ground right planer with the Bolts, Hugh “Huge Cock” Cox, said he saw nothing wrong with his fellow club members’ efforts to mentor the Matildas.
“The boozing and drug-taking at the party and the punch-ups that followed, as well as the incident involving a TV monitor and a mini-bar fridge being ripped from a wall and thrown through a window, and the Matildas-versus-Bolts game of nude tunnel ball in the Queen Street Mall were just our way of showing them how to deal with the stresses and pressures of national sporting fame,” Cox said.
The Bolts’ right flank snurler, John “Enormous Penis” Smith, said he and his fellow players were particularly incensed at being charged with animal cruelty.
“So we had a shoe box full of frogs and took them out one by one and squashed them with our feet, so what?” Smith protested.
“Maybe we should have taken off our playing boots with the spiked soles, but I still can’t see the problem.”
General manager of the Bolts, Terry Verandah, speaking while taking a break from the ongoing party defended his players when addressing reporters outside the hotel.
“You faeces-gobbling, maggot-breath, circumcised rat cocks in the media can each go and shove a wheelie bin up your arse,” Verandah said.
“My boys done no wrong. Now get out of my way,” he said while wielding a large carving knife to clear his way to the hotel foyer.
When contacted, head coach of the Bolts, Jack Saunders, dismissed concerns about his players’ behaviour.
“It was just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good-natured horseplay,” Saunders said.
Disclaimer: The Bug has been a long-term supporter and sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.
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