THE VOICE REFERENDUM:
The Yes campaign in The Voice referendum has been given an almighty fillip with the pledge of a $220 million supporting nationwide advertising blitz from billionaire Clive Palmer.
The portly mining mogul announced the advertising campaign – “across all media and in every imaginable way in the public arena” – at a media call just outside his fenced-off dinosaur mascot at his Palmer Coolum Resort.
Mr Palmer blushed frequently and mouthed his thanks whenever his speech was interrupted by shouts of good cheer and bursts of “For he’s a jolly good fellow!” from construction workers undertaking massive multi-billion-dollar renewal works ahead of the resort’s planned reopening in the New Year.
“If you got sick of seeing all those black and yellow roadside billboards during the last federal election, you’ve seen nothing yet!” he roared.
“I’ll have so many ads in the News Corp and Herald mastheads they’ll almost be profitable!”
A contrite Mr Palmer admitted he had made terrible mistakes in spending a similar amount to the near $220 million spend at the 2019 and 2022 federal elections.
“And I spent even more in 2022 than I did in 2019. I sunk $100 million into that one and got what I wanted but, boy, did I put some noses out of joint.
“I make billions extra every year and I’m supposed to be so clever but I never, ever, considered the possibility that Scott Morrison would lose the 2022 election. I mean he was the master of the photo op. He had the media on his side and everything. Everything he said was marketing gold. for mine.
“I’m now been told that the Albanese ministry has a special internal committee that looks into anything any of my businesses proposes and this secretive mob immediately shunts them off for a 10-year-review period. Bill Shorten chairs this committee, for fuck’s sake.
“The moment that committee sees anything with Waratah or Minerology or my name attached to it, woosh, straight into this black hole it goes.
“Fuck! Talk about sour grapes. How’s a bloke who had Bjelke-Petersen eating out of his hand supposed to make a bob that way?” Mr Palmer said.
“I’m hoping this monster ad spend trying to do something for the dar… the coo… the First Nations people of Australia will put me back in good stead with Albanese and his people, even if it’ll mean the loss of One Nation preferences.
“I’m certainly hopeful that my contribution will see a greater reward than what I got for my $120 million outlay leading up to the May 2022 with just one United Australia Party candidate elected, Senator Baboon in Victoria,” Mr Palmer added to renewed cheers from his construction workers and fresh refrains from “For he’s jolly good fellow!”
The former federal politician boasted he would cover the cost of the looming campaign by “cutting back on some of the fancy trimmings” planned for the life-sized Titanic floating motel, casino and Sir Johannas Bjelke-Petersen museum planned to sit right in the middle of the resort’s pool “once it gets redone in a few weeks.”
“So there’s no way in the world I’ll miss the $220 million committed to the Yes cause.
“I’ve probably made that just in the short time I’ve been speaking here, even with the federal government’s unfair, cruel and unjust bias against me,” he added before being drowned out once again as those construction workers rushed forward to show first hand what he truly meant to them.
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