This is Australia for fuck’s sake so the last month of winter is meaningless to us bronzed Aussies. It’s time to mothball the puffer jacket and trackie daks, slip on some shorts and venture out! Walk those state forest trails where the world’s most poisonous snakes are emerging from their slumbers; swim among the hungry bull sharks at your local residential canal or beach; fire up that overpriced campervan and take an outback trip and risk the serial killers that lurk on those remote western highways.
Dangerous? Of course! But who will keep you safe? Arguably the world’s most accurate-ever soothsayer, that’s who, if you religiously follow his sage advice!
You know the one! The unrivalled soothsayer who has kept Bug readers safe for more than three decades now, the one and only KISMA ARYIAS!
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You hope Amy Remeikis didn’t hurt herself too much after repeatedly falling off the end of the ABC Insiders couch during Sunday’s taping as she tried to get as far away as possible from Greg Sheridan. You also wonder what offended her the most: a bad case of BO or MO (mind odour)?
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You really admired the speed with which David Speers introduced the brand-new concept of ministerial non-responsibility when that same Insiders program finally, reluctantly, got around to discussing some alleged wrongdoings in Home Affairs under Peter Dutton’s watch.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
After following closely last week’s hearings by the US Congress into UFO activity (main image and below) you quickly decide to hide out somewhere nearby for a while – on Proxima Centauri b, just four light-years away from Earth.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You breathe a sigh of relief knowing Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is a left-wing person; you simply hate to think just how up Uncle Sam’s arse we’d all be if he was a right-winger. (By the way, this star is for you, Doug Cameron!)
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened laneway late at night and carrying a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you come face to face with the nine readers of TV Week who gifted Sonia Kruger the Gold Logie.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
After perusing the list of Logie nominees prior to Sunday night’s event you dash off a letter to TV Week magazine suggesting an additional award category you’ve tentatively titled as the Who the Fuck is That? Logie.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You are not really surprised when your letter to the magazine is returned by Australia Post, not stamped “return to sender” but with an imprint saying: “Fuck! Surely that’s still not being printed, is it?”
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
Just when you think the standard of social media postings of those strenuously opposed to a First Nations’ voice to parliament couldn’t sink any lower, you read a widely disseminated claim that Prime Minister Albanese has an undeclared personal interest in the outcome because the “L” in “Albo” is actually silent.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
Your neighbours initially embrace your idea when you tell them of your plans for a local community group for young males, but they suddenly distance themselves when you explain in detail your proposed boy scat troop.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You really do hope you’re not sexist with the observation that you’ve never seen two mouths more deserving of having a very large fishing gaff jagged into them then the gobs of Tony Abbott and Sussan Ley.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
When you ponder the claim by Pauline Hanson that a successful Voice referendum will lead to a “black state”, possibly over half of the former Northern Territory but just as likely in many other parts of Australia as well, you also can’t help but wonder if she has also thought of a name for it, like Coonland, Darkie Territory, or Albo’s Aboville.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You lay awake in bed at night wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who still cheers when the Cronulla Sharks lose in the NRL, even though Scott Morrison has absolutely no desire or reason any more to be seen at their matches in his piss-stained pants and sucking his pants’ piss-staining piss.
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