Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has offered to stage the 2026 Commonwealth Games at his family seat Pout House after the Victorian Government withdrew as host this week.
His Lordship chose to announce his efforts to rescue the Games for Australia on Pout House’s own royal tennis court. (main picture)
Lord Downer said he believed his sprawling Pout House and equally sprawling grounds and adjacent estates currently worked by tenant farmers could comfortably accommodate a scaled down list of sports as well as an athletes’ village.
“This royal tennis court alone – the only one in the nation or indeed the southern hemisphere I believe – is a good example of the innovative plans I have devised for 2026,” he said.
“Not only will it host royal tennis matches but it will double as the venue for wrestling which I will be insisting should take place fully naked in the true Greco-Roma tradition,” he added, pointing to two Pout House under-footmen demonstrating their own sporting skills.
After His Lordship called a short break in proceedings, allowing him to personally apply tinctures and oil to the two young men, he snapped his fingers to call for a flannel to cleanse his delicate hands before resuming his explanation of his Games project.
“I propose a range of sports be held here at Pout House and in its surrounding grounds, albeit somewhat scaled back from the usual Commonwealth Games list,” he said.
“Apart from royal tennis and wrestling I am suggesting the Games also feature boxing, fencing, and shuttlecock as well as some sports never before staged at a Commonwealth Games such as cockfighting and fox hunting.
“As a sporting traditionalist I shall be insisting that, like the wrestling bouts, athletes competing in all other sports shall also be totally nude,” he added before stifling a slight high-pitched squeal.
Lord Downer continued by saying he was making his “very generous” offer to host the Games in a bid to rehabilitate Australia’s international reputation.
“The good name of the nation that my family singlehandedly built has been dashed by that rapscallion Daniel Andrews,” he proclaimed. “Damn his eyes.”
His Lordship added that he felt an obligation to the nation to restore its good name.
“I also feel an obligation to the wider Empire to save the very future of the Commonwealth Games and the Commonwealth itself which was beloved and well served by Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and now our glorious King Charles III,” he added as his voice cracked with emotion and he drew a laced kerchief from his sleeve to dab his eyes.
His Lordship said he had dispatched a messenger on horseback to London carrying a letter to the Commonwealth Games Federation outlining his hosting offer and another messenger had been sent to Canberra seeking full funding for his Games plan.
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