The Australian’s Janet Albrechtsen has not only won The Bug’s Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the month of May 2023 trophy by a cuntry smile but our judges have bestowed on her a very special honour.
It took less than half an hour of deliberations and just under three bottles of Bundy rum among them for our panel of bitter and twisted, old hack, judges to declare via a statement: “No-one licks rings cleaner than Albrechtsen – her work over recent times proves that conclusively – so it is with immense pride that we announce that she has been granted permanent naming rights for this much-sought after monthly honour bestowed on the very best of our mainstream mediocre.
“So let’s say hello to The Bug’s Media Glass House Janet Albrechtsen Arse-Licker of the month of May 2023 trophy and its very worthy winner ….. Janet Albrechtsen!”
The judges confess they were left stunned and speechless by two recent contributions from “the coit-cleaning ringmaster without peer”.
“The Murdochs – and her senior editors at The Australian and The Weekend Australian – may never have to buy dunny paper ever again if Janet Albrechtsen can keep on presenting literal tongue work of this frenzied quality and frequency.”
They were referring to two comment pieces, When voice of reason is overcome by emotion and THE WRONG FACE FOR #METOO.
“Both are brimming with rimmingly brilliant bombast totally devoid, as usual, of any logic, decency or empathy.
“Her piece on the Voice alone would have garnered her trophy naming rights. Her ability to clear from her mind – or probably not even entertain such thoughts in the first place – the history of our First Nations people and how they still lag well behind on various life markers seems deliberately and pathologically cruel.
“We can’t think of any other person who could have written this – “In my lifetime I have not seen a more thuggish, deceptive and divisive set of claims from one side on a matter of national significance” – without blushing so brightly that they would have fainted from lack of blood to other vital organs and been totally incapable of completing the piece.
“Even our nation’s radio shockjocks would have trouble spraying her bile about people who have lost all objectivity, who are wallowing in sentimentality and who are engaged in emotional overreach.
“How dead does someone have to be inside, how lifeless must be their soul, to come up with pure, vile, stinking shit like that?”
The judges also praised Albrechtsen’s latest attack on Brittany Higgins as a perfect example of Newscorpse’s redhot, relentless, ongoing, hatred of Higgins for all the lies she’s told over time about something that never, ever, happened in Federal Parliament late at night back in April 2019.
A hatred that continues to burn fiercely for a woman not knowing her place. That place, of course, was to go immediately to Perth and shut the fuck up for good. For the good of the LNP.
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