The cold weather is upon us and you’d be forgiven for rugging up, putting on the heater and staying at home. But life is short, folks, so step out in confidence in your Ugg boots over the next few months and seize each and every freezing day, especially as the world’s most accurate soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias, will keep you safe and sound from the flu or an avalanche.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
Watching Warren Mundine explain to Sarah Ferguson on 7.30 his No stance to The Voice to Parliament, you are impressed with his clarity of thought and his refreshing honesty: “I’m chairman of a mining company and I can’t do a fucking thing on my mine site without having to deal with local darkies from my own tribe. That’s bloody hard enough without The Voice being another outside fucking know-all mob coming at us as well.”
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You are really glad you’ve been following the ACT inquiry into the Bruce Lehrmann rape trial. You now know from the very upper echelon of the prosecution team and the investigating police that the jury was eleven to one to convict … and also eleven to one to acquit.
LEO – July 23 – August 22e
You suspect the reason why the Liberal Party always seems reluctant to introduce quotas to increase the representation of women among its federal parliamentary ranks rests solely with the quality of the ones already there.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You can’t get Michaelia Cash, Karen Andrews, Jane Hume, Sussan Ley, Marisse Payne, Sarah Henderson, Michelle Landry and quite a few other names out of your mind after reading that last star.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened laneway late at night and carrying a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you come face to face with the very executive at Channel 9 who would have made the decision on whether a second series of The Summit would be made.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You are rushed to hospital suffering shock after watching a promo advising that the three panelists on Sunday’s ABC Insiders program will be journalists from The Monthly, The New Daily and The Saturday Paper.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Your local supermarket reassures you as to the freshness of their hot-cross buns by explaining they’ve only just arrived in store to celebrate next year’s Easter break.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
Your pride at learning your teenage offspring has won a creative writing competition at school dissipates quickly when you read the teacher’s comments that your treasured one has literary skills equal to Peta Credlin, Vikki Campion and Parnell Palme McGuinness combined.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Undaunted, you still believe your child could one day be a famous newspaper columnist; she’s certainly got the legs for it!
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You really start to wonder what the fuck happened to the United States when you realise that with a population of 335 million, the two most likely contenders for next year’s November presidential election will die in office of old age before their terms are completed.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You lie awake at night wondering why any sane person could possibly take any notice whatsoever of the political utterances of Peta Credlin, given she just about single-handedly turned Tony Abbott into the absolute laughing stock and nobody he is today.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Ditto for Campbell Newman, the ex-Queensland Premier who turned a monster margin into electoral defeat in one short three-year term and yet seems to now be popping up everywhere sharing his claimed political acumen with us.
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