POLICE ROUNDS:
The senior constable suspended from duty only yesterday over the Tasering of a 95-year-old woman at a Cooma nursing home has been cleared of all wrongdoing after sensational new evidence presented only moments ago.
Deputy Commissioner and Commander of Southern Division Peter Cotter at a police media call in Queanbeyan exhibited the weapon the old lady had threatened two policemen with in the early hours of last Wednesday morning.
Media present responded with audible gasps when Commander Cotter knelt down and with some difficulty given its considerable weight held aloft a 1.7-metre 19th century whale flensing knife in his hands.
The top cop said it was believed the knife belonged to the old lady’s grandfather from when he worked on the whaling station at Eden on the NSW south coast.
The Bug understands that apart from its sentimental value to the elderly aged care resident, she also used the whale flensing knife regularly for weight training to keep in shape and to improve upper body strength.
“That probably explains how she managed to advance on our two officers at such speed, thrusting the weapon back and forward so easily and shouting: “I’ll flense you two pigs good and proper,” Commander Cotter said.
“As you can all see, this was no common garden variety serrated kitchen or steak knife.
Commander Cotter then paused for a moment before adopting his best Crocodile Dundee voice and adding: “This is a knife!” The media present were divided as to whether he should have tried that on.
“When you combine that with the way she souped-up her walking frame,” the commander continued, “I hope you can now see why our two brave officers considered themselves in real danger and had to respond the way they did.”
He then presented the elderly woman’s zimmerframe for the media to inspect, pointing to the turbo-charged 32-volt electric motor he claimed she had built and personally fitted to the walking frame over many nights in her single room at her Cooma aged-care home.
“We’ve tested this thing and we’ve had it up to 28kph. Its speed off the mark is also very impressive.”
In Brisbane, Queensland cops union head honcho Ian Leavers praised the lifting of the senior constable’s suspension and said the commander’s media conference had shown both police had performed diligently and with valour.
“If that angry old lady had attacked two Queensland police officers like that, they would have put a perfect grouping of six rounds all within a 3cm diameter right over her heart and she would have deserved nothing less.”
And in breaking news, NSW Police Commissioner Karen Webb says she will now view police vest-cam footage of the Tasering incident.
“My own family has an 19th Century whale flensing knife from when an ancestor worked at the Tangalooma whaling station in Queensland and while it might take some courage on my part to view the footage, it will be interesting to see if both the knives look alike.”
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