Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has made known his availability to become the new host of ABC TV’s Q&A program in the wake of the departure of Stan Grant.
After inviting media representatives to his family seat Pout House, His Lordship had the assembled throng fumigated and fully masked so as his delicate eyes did not fully fall on their lower-class features.
He was walked down the grand staircase in the house’s east wing surrounded by six semi-naked footmen clad only in gossamer thin jodhpurs and preceded by a retinue of under-butlers walking backwards while strewing rose petals in his path.
The footmen stood aside as His Lordship began his remarks.
“Without wanting to sound immodest… ,” he started before cutting the footmen a withering lip-purse when one of their number tittered at his remark.
Unable to identify the specific offender, His Lordship satisfied himself with a warning wag of a forefinger in the direction of the footmen which was delivered on his instruction by the most senior under-butler present. He then restarted his remarks.
“Without wanting to sound immodest… ,” he said, pausing for a moment to ensure there was not a repeat of the earlier interruption, “… I believe I am the best person in our nation to host Q&A.
“I have previously appeared many times on Q&A, although I have always insisted that I take part via a remote link from Pout House (main picture) so as not to risk being contaminated by the woke, lefty, gib-faced foozlers that invariably comprise the panel.
“I would be able to appear as host in the same manner which would save me much precious travel time as well as obviate the need for me to mix with the hoi polloi while being transported via sedan chair from my beloved Adelaide Hills to wherever Q&A is broadcast.
“I am well qualified, indeed overqualified, to host a public discussion forum having an extensive knowledge and understanding of world affairs from my time as our nation’s greatest foreign minister.
“A glittering example of my vast experience on the world stage was my forthright prediction more than a year ago that Russian President Vladimir Putin would not invade Ukraine.
“This stands as a perfectly prescient and correct prediction given that Russia did not invade Ukraine on the day my forecast was published in that radical left-leaning scandal sheet, The Australian Financial Review. What happened after that is a different matter entirely.
“I also have a deep understanding of domestic political issues, grounded in the golden era for the Liberal Party under my leadership.
“What are widely referred to within the Liberal Party as the Downer years are regarded as …”
At that an anonymous voice from among the footmen corrected His Lordship by loudly whispering “Months, not even a year” in plain reference to His Lordship’s tenure as party leader.
His Lordship dealt with the impudence with a withering lip-purse and raising his lorgnette to his eyes to intently scrutinise the gaggle of semi-clad youths.
Resuming his remarks Lord Downer said as Q&A host he would bring “greater political balance” to its weekly panel.
“As host I would insist on having a far more right-minded collection of panellists…” He then stopped to correct himself.
“I am sorry, I should have said that as host I would insist on having a far more Right-minded collection of panellists.
“Those I have in mid to be permanent or at least semi-permanent panellists would be those who could offer a broad range of views.
“Chaps like Andrew Bolt, Rowan Dean, Paul Murray, and Peta Credlin, as well as some very smart young lasses like Vikki Campion, Janet Albrechtsen, and Judith Sloan.”
Lord Downer ended his new conference by declaring that the ABC “knows where to find me” but without responding to reporters’ shouted queries.
“Providing answers to questions from noisome riff raff is a practice that is well beneath me,” he explained before ascending the grand staircase, again accompanied by the semi-clad footmen and under-butlers.
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