Brisbane music impresario VINCE AGAROL (main picture) says Australia will never win the Eurosvision song contest if it keeps picking the wrong acts to represent the nation. In this opinion piece Mr Agarol – composer of the yet-to-be-staged rock opera based on the antics of Brisbane’s infamous “Poo Jogger” who was caught in 2018 after repeatedly defecating on inner-southside household driveways – believes only he has the sure-fire recipe for Eurovision success.
For the best part of a week I have kept to myself my thoughts on why Australia yet again failed at the Eurovision Song Contest. But I can stay silent no longer.
Regardless of the hype that surrounds the contest each year, and despite the volume of countries vying for the top place, it is perhaps the easiest song contest in the world to win.
All you need to do is follow a formula that has been tried and tested at Eurovision since the first contest in 1956.
The 2023 contest saw Australia repeat the same mistake it’s made since first being allowed to compete in the event in 2015.
The powers that be decided to send heavy metal Australian singers Voyager (below) to Manchester when what has always been needed to win is to pick a far simpler act to carry our flag.
Let’s be frank, HMAS Voyager’s final ranking – ninth out of 52 entrant countries – is a national disgrace but, more importantly, was all due to them and their chosen song actually being too good to stand any chance of winning.
Australia was again relegated to an also-ran because those selecting our representative act failed to acknowledge that throughout its history shit songs and shit singers have done best at Eurovision, with a mere handful of notable exceptions.
Rarely do you ever hear any winning Eurovision song again in your entire life once the trophy is awarded.
Take for instance the 2023 winner who I think was someone from Sweden. You can rest assured that the next time you see and hear them will be in brief references at the start of next year’s Eurovision broadcast and after that they will again fade from our consciousness.
Since 2015 I have tried to tell those who pick Australia’s Eurovision entry that the entire contest is full of shit songs sung shittily by shit singers.
So who what better song to enter than one I have penned for my Poo Jogger the Musical rock opera?
I specialise in writing and producing shit songs with the big bonus that in the case of my tragically unproduced Poo Jogger they’re all about shit too.
Its theme song is My Fart Will Go On, an homage to the theme song from the popular movie Titanic and a sure-fire Eurovision winner.
Hopefully it will be Australia’s entry in the contest next year sung by me.
I would also like to have another one of my Poo Jogger compositions considered as Australia’s 2024 entry, but Portaloo is still subject to Ed Sheeran-style litigation between me and Abba which is unlikely to be resolved by then.
But I believe the case for me leading our Eurovision charge in 2024 is clear and unarguable.
In short, as I have opined many times previously, Eurovision songs are invariably shit, so all of mine fit the bill 100%.
VINCE AGAROL
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