Turnbull found safe and well

Australian Federal Police have located former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull safe and well after an investigation and widespread search were launched as a result of fears he may have been abducted.

Head of the AFP’s missing persons squad, Inspector Tracy Dick, said the investigation began after a tip-off from a member of the public drawing attention to the fact Mr Turnbull had not been actively participating in public discussion of the proposed indigenous voice to parliament and its associated referendum expected later this year.

“We reviewed a range of media stories and found that, yes, Mr Turnbull had been very, very quiet on the voice,” Inspector Dick said.

“This was very concerning to us given Mr Turnbull is well known as a media slut, err…. sorry, I mean Mr Turnbull is known to be a regular contributor to public political discussions.

“Admittedly he did everything he could as prime minister to scuttle the voice, especially through his efforts to wrongly but forcefully label it as a ‘third chamber’ of the federal parliament as soon as it was proposed.

“But we were also conscious of the fact that Mr Turnbull usually never misses a chance to rewrite the history of his own career and his own government if he gets a chance.

“Our investigation did unearth comments by him last August recanting his ‘third chamber’ claim saying he had felt reassured that it would be no such thing after examining the proposal put forward by current PM Anthony Albanese.

“We dismissed that out of hand because as everyone knowns, the proposals outlined by the current PM are pretty much identical to the voice proposed when Mr Turnbull held the office.

“So that only increased our fears of an abduction of some sort – that he may have been speaking against his will. So we began a search which I can now announce located Mr Turnbull safe and well,” she said.

Inspector Dick said the ex-PM was found by AFP officers in the basement of his harbourside mansion in Sydney.

“It appears that after leaving office Mr Turnbull had a special stage constructed in his basement where he often literally rehearses entering the public debate to widespread acclaim, often recorded applause or his wife Lucy providing a one-person standing ovation. (main picture)

“He uses the stage to practise his lines for casting himself as a great advocate for the cause or issue to which he wishes to attach himself, regardless of any opposition he expressed in the past or any inaction on his part, especially as prime minister, to achieve whatever success he is wrongly claiming.

“Mr Turnbull assured us there was no need for anyone to be concerned about his welfare and that he was rehearsing almost 24/7 so that all Australians could see just how great and visionary a leader he was as prime minister when and if the voice passes at a referendum,” Inspector Tracy said.

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