… and we’ll get through this!
All this talk of an imminent war with China – thanks, especially, to The Sydney Morning Herald and Peter Hartcher and Matthew Knott’s Red Alert series! – is making all of us nervous, right?
It’s why the world’s most uncannily accurate soothsayer in history – The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias – has taken a good, long, hard looked into his crystal balls – he even gave them a reassuring squeeze – and is here to calm nerves and show we’ve all got a safe and peaceful future ahead of us.
So, please, follow his never-fail advice and there will be lasting peace in our time!
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Checking the country of manufacture of the boxes of Coles cling-wrap, Alfoil and baking paper in your kitchen drawer, you realise there’s absolutely no need for China to go to war with Australia; it’s won the battle already.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
This is confirmed after you check everything your family has purchased over the past year and realise we’re talking just about fucking everything here! Almost every gift you bought last Xmas, to kitchenware, to clothes, to lightbulbs, to batteries, to mops and rakes, tools both powered or not, just about every fucking manufactured thing you’ve fucking bought at Aldi, Bunnings and Target just to name a few. Yes, even a Victa mower. Thanks Joe Hockey!
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Now here’s where you really start to surprise yourself. Not normally a deep thinker but bearing in mind the Chinese rarely start wars because they don’t have to – just threatening to kill us gets us into a coffers-cleansing tizz the way Ronald Reagan conned the Russians over Star Wars – it suddenly dawns on you that our two great trading partners will only ever be at war if we start one.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
Besides, haven’t you read somewhere that war gaming by US military intelligence already shows China could already beat Uncle Sam’s dumb arse? Well, if not now, soon, and it’s only going to get worse under President Trump! Who in their right mind would want that war, right?
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
And this is when you sit bolt upright in bed and shout: “Fuck!” Are we going to spend all that fucking money on 11 or 13 nuclear submarines just so any war with China can last into a second week? At the very least you are grateful that, because of China’s propensity not to start wars, we’ll have that 40 years or so to get ready to rumble for those exciting couple of days!
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
It’s at this point you start thinking: is that why so few Australians are worried about the astronomical costs of these suckers? That the chances of them ever being paid for and delivered is four-fifths of seven-eights of nine-tenths of fuck all? We’ll be too broke to afford them if another pandemic hits. Or more climate-change natural disasters happen on an apocalyptic scale. Or if Albo goes ahead with those Stage 3 tax cuts.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You then have this epiphany! Why the fuck don’t we just buy some conventional subs off the shelf to putter around the Pacific looking after our neighbours? You know; like we should have done in the first place. And if dear, silly, old Paul Keating thinks the long-overdue attention we’re now giving to our Pacific neighbours isn’t working, then maybe it is? The bugger’s not always right. Besides, China will probably move into the south Pacific anyway given their wealth and bribing power and we won’t be able to stop them. Thanks Joe! But if war does break out some time, gosh, and especially if we don’t start it, won’t it be nice to wear the white hat for a change, instead of sucking up to Uncle Sam all the time and getting conned into unwinnable wars we should have avoided?
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
After all, isn’t that what those countries and our south-east Asian neighbours would have preferred, rather than this bullshit AUKUS notion that if we get right up into the South China Sea and tickle China’s arse with nuclear subs, world peace will be assured? Besides, if Morrison thought it was a good idea, clearly it isn’t.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You then start to think about all the fucking money we’d then save so we could look after Aussies who are struggling to survive? Increase Jobseeker immediately. Other welfare payments to survival level. Fund dental care for kids. Fund Medicare and the NDIS properly. An electric car for everyone! A roof for everyone who would like to see one over them! Stuff like that. Hey, here’s an idea. Do things that ensure no-one is left behind. Sounds like a plan! Sounds like a promise worth not breaking.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Back to this China business. Sure, you hate it that China is now the new bullyboy on the block after being bullied for decades, surrounded by countless US miliary bases. Who the fuck saw that coming, right?
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
And, yes, you wish Xi Jingping would stop threatening to kill us if we want to get something he already has! What a bullying cunt! And while we’re at it, Xi baby, stop wearing that fucking military shit half the time and talking up war yourself. Who do you think you are? Peter Hartcher and Matthew Knott? Besides, the army clobber is unbecoming and you look even sillier than when Tim Wilson and Smirko wore it.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
It’s at this stage that you fall into a deep, prolonged and peaceful sleep, realising you thought all this through all on your lonesome without ever once becoming a navy admiral or major general sitting on a defence spending strategic review board and playing with your fancy to-scale submarine, missile toys and yourselves … not necessary in that order!
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