The world’s most uncannily accurate soothsayer in history – The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias – will help you safely traverse the middle month of autumn!

Keep following his sound advice and 2023 is going to unfold just peachy like.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You fork out thousands of dollars on air fares to Scotland and scarce and expensive hotel rooms for a two-week stay but are very disappointed after you arrive to discover the swag of tickets you thought were online bargain-buys actually entitle you to admission to the Edinburgh Fridge Festival.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You write a nasty letter to the Australian Broadcasting Corporation demanding they censure the writers of the 12th season of Vera for only having an average of seven main suspects in each of the episodes right up to the last-five-minute denouement where the most unlikely of those seven is revealed as the killer. Previous series had up to 15 which you found far more intriguing.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You thank the staff at your local self-service petrol station for rushing to help you after you fainted on their forecourt but also explain that the incident happened only once you realised that their tyre pressure hose actually worked.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Later that same day you faint in your own front yard and thank neighbours for coming to your aid, explaining when they do that you suspect the incident was caused by a garden sprinkler you bought at Bunnings actually watering your garden with a vigorous and continuous jet of water and not just emitting a miserable dribble before falling apart.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened laneway late at night and carrying a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you come face to face with the great, great, great grandchild of the person who invented the typewriter and who put the caps lock RIGHT ON TOP OF THE SHIFT KEY.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You are rushed to hospital suffering from shock after visiting a pub’s huge pokie room for the first time to discover their cash-out ticketing machine is actually close to the exit where it should be and not right up the back where it’s hard to find.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You are not at all surprised to hear that the toilets in the LNP offices at Parliament House ran out of toilet paper after the federal government announced that the Hon Justice Paul Brereton AM RFD would be the new National Anti-Corruption Commission head.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

And that Stuart Robert, Angus Taylor, Scott Morrison, Barnaby Joyce and quite a few other former government ministers all missed Question Time as they waited patiently in their parliamentary offices for their trousers to come back from the drycleaners after hearing that the new National Anti-Corruption Commission would be up and running by July.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You are desperately trying to find out who came up with the hashtag #TuberFuhrer to describe Peter Dutton as you truly believe they deserve some sort of national award. You, perhaps, Paul Syvret?

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are among dozens of people around Australia who are rushed to hospital suffering from shock after hearing Pauline Hanson slam Mark Latham over certain homophobic comments.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You are not at all surprised to hear that Chinese president Xi Jinping has graciously agreed not to go to war with Australia until the great southern land gets its full complement of 11 to 13 nuclear submarines by mid-century.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

“Any war worth fighting should last at least two days,” Xi joked at a meeting of senior Communist officials in Beijing, at which it was unanimously agreed to suspend work on new and unmatched above-and-underwater drone and sonar technologies for some decades “to even things up a bit”.