FEDERAL POLITICS:
A crack Brisbane rectal-colon surgeon and his team have worked overnight in a Brisbane hospital to save the life of federal Opposition Leader Peter Dutton.
The Bug can report exclusively that Mr Dutton presented himself in a very distressed state to the emergency department at The Hills Private Hospital for Wealthy Happy Clappers in Keperra in his federal electorate of Dickson just north of Brisbane about 7.10pm last night.
Doctors on duty were stunned when Xrays revealed the politician’s underpants had somehow been yanked completely inside his body and the material was totally blocking bowel movements essential for life to exist.
Luckily, one of Brisbane’s top surgeons in that anatomical space was visiting the hospital at the time, knew exactly what had happened and ordered an operating room be made immediately available.
The Bug spoke to the exhausted surgeon (pictured) this morning and we are grateful that he spent time with us, albeit on the condition of anonymity.
The Bug: We’ve been told last night’s surgery was very much a touch-and-go thing?
Surgeon: Mr Dutton was certainly in a bad way. He prefers those longer, fashionable, men’s underwear and the entire garment had disappeared inside his body.
The Bug: Rectum?
Surgeon: Well, he certainly won’t be wearing them again. We had to cut them into very small pieces and it took forever to get them out as they had fused to the walls of his lower digestive tract.
The Bug: No. We meant was the underwear only in his rectum?
Surgeon: Sorry. Got you. No. Some of the fabric had been somehow mysteriously pulled up into the larger intestine’s lower colon tubing…
The Bug: Sorry.
Surgeon: The quite large, curly part of his poop chute. We had the devil of a time extracting the undies. For a while there we thought Mr Dutton might have to be fitted with a colostomy bag,
The Bug: Sorry?
Surgeon: A shit bag.
The Bug: Good lord! Any idea how this happened?
Surgeon: Well, luckily I practised in Canberra for a while and I’d seen this many times before although admittedly this is probably one of the worst cases of political wedging I’ve ever encountered.
The Bug: You’re saying he basically wedged himself?
Surgeon: Correct. Those underpants would have been disappeared inside his anal sphincter ….
The Bug: Sorry?
Surgeon: His freckle. His muck hole.
The Bug: His cloaca?
Surgeon: Correct. The undies would have disappeared in a flash the moment he declared earlier on in the day down at Avalon in Victoria that if elected in 2025, he would repeal Labor’s plans to double the tax on people holding more than $3 million in superannuation. The pain would have really started to kick in during the two-hour flight back to Brisbane especially if he had enjoyed a full dinner meal and bar service. We were just so lucky to get to him when we did.
The Bug: Hold on. We’re talking about a tax-break clampdown on 0.5 percent of people, increasing the tax from 15 per cent to 30 per cent on revenue above that $3 million, a move that almost all Australians would be happy with except for NewsCorp journalists, and Palme Parnell McGuinness, Karl Stefanovic and radio shock jocks over at Nine Entertainment Co?
Surgeon: Don’t forget Phillip Coorey at the Fin. Review? And Kochie over on Sunrise?
The Bug: Right. And David Speers and a few others at the ABC. So it’s basically Labor’s fault that Mr Dutton has found himself in this dreadful state? Fucking bastards.
Surgeon: Not really. Labor might have cleverly set up the wedge but it didn’t take effect until Dutton took the bait and wedged himself.
The Bug: Have you any idea why Mr Dutton aligned himself with very wealthy people by taking the bait as you put it?
Surgeon: Apart from the fact that he’s not very bright? And that he instinctively aligns himself with other very wealthy people even if he loses far more votes than he gains by doing that?
The Bug: Correct.
Surgeon: I wouldn’t want to offer an opinion on that. I’m a colorectal specialist, not a psychiatrist.
The Bug: You’re a surgeon not a shrink?
Surgeon: Correct.
Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!
The Bug Online 