Stay safe these next 31 days by religiously following the advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias. No-one has ever died on his watch.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You were sort of glad to read that James Campbell interview with Scott Morrison in which the former PM declared he was not in a darkened corner in a foetal position after his election loss. Well, you were until you quickly realised that’s exactly the state he should be in if the sociopathic narcissist had even the slightest ability to comprehend that his lying, lazy, loathsome ways are largely the reason the Liberal Party is the smelly, rotting, largely irrelevant carcass it is today.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
As a professional actor for most of your adult life you are thrilled to be told that you will be personally honoured at the globally televised Academy Awards ceremony on 12 March, but then have second thoughts when you discover your recognition will come in the traditional In Memoriam section of the broadcast.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Although it originates from a stupid spelling mistake, your career takes off and you become an internationally known celebrity chef with a string of high-end restaurants soon after opening your first eatery specialising in glue-free food.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You lie awake at night after a night watching TV ads and wondering whether you are the only person in Australia who isn’t a member of a bet-with-mates syndicate.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Although you managed to get the juicy odds of 20-1 from your online bookie, you still think a win is very unlikely, namely that next Sunday’s Insiders program after a number of weeks back will finally discuss the RoboDebt royal commission.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You lie awake at night wondering whether you are the only person in Australia who wants Anthony Albanese and Jim Chalmers to front cameras and say: “Yes, we’re breaking another election promise here today … and so fucking what? And we’ll be breaking a whole fucking lot more in the interests of the Australian economy and the vast majority of the Australian people before the next election is due and if you don’t agree with all of that you can fucking well boot us out. Now, are there any other fucking questions?”
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You are not surprised when leading scientists reveal Australians are contributing to climate change through vehicle emissions by regularly making two trips to Bunnings stores whenever they feel the need to buy something there – the second trip being to return for a refund all the useless cheap crap they bought on the first trip.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You lie awake at night wondering whether you are the only person in Australia who hasn’t the slightest idea why Anthony Albanese and Jim Chalmers appear to be shit-scared of what Newscorpse says about anything they say or do.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You watch Sussan Ley’s mouth as she rants on about politics on the TV news and fondly remember a time long, long, ago, when you might have been tempted to put something other than a sock in it.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You lie awake at night wondering what Channel 9 Brisbane’s Tim Arvier will harp on next about the tired and ineffectual Queensland Labor government and Premier Annastacia “I’ve lost interest in politics now I have a boyfriend” Palaszczuk if their latest laws tackling youth crime prove successful.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You realise that Barnaby Joyce has been rather quiet of late apart from some nonsense over the Voice and a feeling of immense happiness washes over you.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You suspect you were not alone in instantly believing the Albanese government would not pay any political price at all for changing the tax breaks for people with more than $3 million in super the very moment David “Sky News” Speers began last Sunday’s Insiders by saying they would.
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