AVIATION:

Australia’s national airline Qantas will change its name to Woolworths under a plan masterminded by CEO Alan Joyce.

The Bug can report exclusively that the airline, first established in 1920 as Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services, will start a massive rebranding campaign this week.

Mr Joyce said he had struck an agreement with Woolworths supermarkets to license the retailer’s name and apply it to the airline.

“The Qantas name will disappear from our skies very, very soon,” Mr Joyce said.

“I was motivated to make this move following release by Roy Morgan Research of its latest list of Australia’s most trusted and distrusted brands.

“Unfortunately, Qantas has crashed… oops, I mean, Qantas has nosedived…. damn, I mean Qantas has gone from being the ninth most trusted brand in the September quarter 2022 to being the 30^th most trusted corporate name in the December quarter.

“At the same time Woolies has stayed at the top of the most trusted list. Fucked if I know why, but there it is.

“I must say I am also at a loss to know why Qantas has performed so badly and, more importantly, I am at a total loss to know who is to blame.

“But as I am the one paid the big bucks to ruin the airline… oops, I mean to run the airline, it is up to me to find a solution. And I have.”

Mr Joyce said the rebranding of the airline offered the opportunity to implement changes other than the obvious new slogan of “Woolies, the Best Flight People!”.

“It will allow us to shed more ground staff by going 100% self-service check-in and baggage handling,” he said.

“We’ll also be able to monetise certain elements of the flight experience for our passengers, whom we’ll be calling shoppers from now on.

“Things like asking our shoppers to buy a seat belt, an oxygen mask, or a floatation vest in case of an emergency are now all open to us.

“I tink this has been easily one of my better ideas as CEO, if I do say so myself,” Mr Joyce said.