FEDERAL POLITICS:

MELBOURNE: Lady Georgina Downer is resting comfortably in a private hospital here after badly spraining her ankle in her rush yesterday to nominate for the federal seat of Aston being vacated by Alan Tudge.

Work colleagues have reported that Lady Downer, formerly of Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, jumped up from her CEO desk at the Robert Menzies Institute, shouted “that’s mine!” on hearing that the former LNP minister was quitting politics, and rushed to the exit.

Lady Downer then stumbled on the pavement outside the institute, crashing heavily to the ground, bloodying a knee, ruining one of her favourite gowns and badly spraining her left ankle.

She refused help from paramedics called to the scene and continued to crawl in the direction of the Victorian Liberals’ office in Emirates House in Collins Street in the inner-city, waving her nomination form in the air.

“The Liberals are duty-bound to select a lady candidate for Aston and daddy insists that must be me!” Lady Downer shrieked as she gallantly made her way half-way into the CBD before the pain finally got too much for her and she reluctantly agreed to be loaded into the ambulance being driven slowly along beside her.

Speaking to reporters in Adelaide he had summoned to Pout House, Lord Downer (shown in stock footage, below) congratulated his daughter on finally entering federal parliament.

His Lordship emerged from the front door as a trumpet fanfare by six naked young men heralded his arrival.

He began by declaring that his remarks would be brief and that he would tolerate “no impudent questions, or indeed any questions” from the assembled reporters whom he described as “lazy and vazey noisome dollops of excrement not fit to adorn the sole of my tassled Hessians”.

“I wish to begin by congratulating my dear darling daughter on attaining her, and my, dream of a seat in our national parliament,” His Lordship began.

“I believe she will proudly continue the tradition of generations of the Downer family which has been single-handedly responsible for shaping the nation as we see it today.

“Dare I dream of her, like me, one day become leader of the great Liberal Party?” he mused.

When a reporter dared to interject, suggesting Lady Downer was not yet an MP and needed to face a preselection contest then a by-election, Lord Downer cut him dead with a powerful pursing of his lips.

“Don’t be stupid man,” he spat. “It’s a nonsense to suggest any type of so-called ‘election’ or indeed any involvement by vulgar ‘voters’ is a necessity before Lady Georgina assumes her seat.”

After a Pout House amanuensis approached and whispered in His Lordship’s ear, he emitted a tiny shriek, swooned, and fell, but was caught by several of the naked heralds still grasping their trumpets.

Reporters were then advised that the news conference was at an end and Lord Downer was carried into Pout House while emitting loud but indecipherable moans.

STOP PRESS: Lady Downer was fit enough after breakfast to organise from her hospital bed the creation of an oversized novelty cheque in her name and made out to the Aston Bowling Club.