HUNGER STRIKE:

MELBOURNE: Fears are growing for the health – indeed, the very life – of former Prime Minister Tony Abbott as he enters the fourth day of a hunger strike in suburban Craigieburn 25km northwest of the CBD.

Mr Abbott chained himself to a large gum tree outside the Reserve Bank’s polymer note printing facility on Sunday morning (pictured) and has vowed never to eat again until the bank changes its decision and agrees to put King Charles III on its new $5 note.

Barely audible and clearly weakened as his Speedos are starting to slip off his hips, Mr Abbott explained that his decision to undertake his hunger strike had been “a no brainer”.

“I had just been to the funeral in Sydney of the greatest man I have ever known and it was a hammer blow to me to then find out the greatest King of Australia we’ve ever had – our glorious sovereign King Charles III – would not be honoured when our $5 is updated after the tragic death of our beloved Queen Elizabeth II,” Mr Abbott explained all so slowly.

“I’m prepared to die for my king and country,” he shouted as loud as he could after a short break to regain his breath. He then sang the two bars of God Save the King that he knew.

“This shameful $5 note decision is totally unacceptable to almost all Australians and is a savage blow to the very fabric of our society and our belief structures that have made this nation the world’s greatest ever and not just at cricket and, for a while there, swimming!”

“I will never, ever, allow woke inner-city elites to take over the country we love by stealth with a creeping socialism based on heathen and unlawful acts like this that chip away at who we are – a proud member of the British commonwealth!”

Fortunately, Australia’s 28th prime minister has agreed to at least take fluids in the early days of his protest and when The Bug visited him earlier this morning, his former chief of staff Peta Credlin, although clearly distressed, repeatedly pressed a bowl of water against his parched and blistered lips.

“I’ve put aside all my important Sky News Channel duties and incisive newspaper columns to be here to fully support Tony in this campaign. Isn’t he the most patriotic, the most loyal, the most royal and the proudest Australian this country has ever produced?

“I lnow Tony wishes he was still PM so he could give both Cardinal George Pell and King Charles III Australian knighthoods, the former posthumously, of course.

“I know most Australians wish he was still our national leader.”

That lovely and supportive comment clearly made from the heart sparked another short burst of God Save the King from Mr Abbott before he took another sip of water and whispered: “I could never have achieved the things I have in public life without the succour Peta has constantly provided me over that amazing journey.

“No-one gives succour like Peta can.”