The customer is always right, right? (You have my permission to insert loud and prolonged canned laughter here, because we all know that sentimental buyer’s rights shit sailed long ago).

Probably was even crap way back then but we thought it was true so we lived in hope.

Today, modern, internet-based companies go by a different adage: protected behind a whinge wall, it’s always right to make it as hard as possible for a customer with a legitimate complaint to seek quick and satisfying redress.

Doubt that? Read on.

At 5.05am, I was sound asleep in my own bed. While I’m no expert on such things, I believe it was therefore impossible for me to be up and about on my mobs requesting an Uber service. I was going nowhere this morning, trust me.

A short time later, my phone rings. The message left is from an Uber guy wondering where I was. I knew where I was at this stage; taking a quick, much-needed wee pitstop before finding my phone in the loungeroom. I retrieve Uber man’s message and stumble out to an empty street.

Not long after that, my email inbox has Uber telling me they’ve stolen … sorry, extracted … a $35 cancellation fee from my credit card.

I’ve included the map just to show the location pinpointed is a fair way from my home. So my guess is that no Uber guy had been standing outside my front gate ringing my phone in the first place.

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase so I can explain how quickly this matter was resolved in my favour! (yes, once again, you have my permission to insert loud and prolonged canned laughter here because you know I’m fucking bullshitting here, right?)

First up, this old luddite had a brainfade and thought the reply button at the bottom of all that shit above was my opportunity to lay out my case. Silly billy Donnie! They all use no-reply now, don’t they? Uber at least promptly sent back an email saying: hey, fuckknuckle, we don’t use that anymore and you can’t leave messages there! I’m paraphrasing here a bit.

So I grab my phone and take a good, long, hard look at the Uber app. (okay, an old bloke’s look; point taken!) and can’t find any fucking HELP button to push. Carol’s away and none of her tech-savvy grandchildren are around to quickly point out the incredible depth of my stupidity.

Okay, stay calm, Donnie. It’s online to help.uber.com. A satisfactory solution is moments away! My $35 is returned and Uber is oozing apologies and tugging forelocks! A few free trips as their way of making amends, perhaps. (cue that canned laugher again).

Here’s what the site told me…

Do any of you BUGgers out there think any of the fucking information under any of these fucking tabs gave me any fucking idea about how to lodge my complaint?

Where was the large fucking red LODGE A COMPLAINT fucking button, Uber, if you’re so fucking keen to do the right thing by your customers and “make things right”!

There is some good news out of all this. I’ve got a haircut appointment at 1.15 today. If I foolishly spend the rest of this morning trying to get some satisfaction out of Uber, I may not have any fucking hair left to fucking cut.

Don Gordon-Brown