Okay, you’ve gotten through the first two months of an Australian summer and you haven’t been bitten in two by a shark, stood on a stonefish or developed an inoperable deadly melanoma just yet ….. but that’s no reason to get cocky about the future, even if you aren’t a beachgoer!

So many dangers still lurk ahead in a country that has nine of the world’s 10 most poisonous politicians and only a fool would think their safety is assured without the need to rigidly adhere to the sage advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever – The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias.

No-one has ever shuffled off this mortal coil ahead of their allotted time provided they blindly follow Kisma’s wise words of advice. So keep safe, everyone, by believing everything you read below.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

Suffering from dementia, you fail at your 32nd attempt at suicide by once again taking a short walk on a long pier.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are still unsure as to whether you should spend $17 to take in a movie that’s been touted over recent weeks as “being one of the year’s best”.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You despair for the depth of talent judges in Australia after hearing that Kyle Sandilands will be one of the judges in the Seven Network’s 2023 series of Australian Idol.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Given what you know about his own depth of talent and work practices, you wonder if Kyle Sandilands shouldn’t be given his own show called Australian Idle.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You wonder if there is anyone at all left in the Liberal Party who sees the rank stupidity and hypocrisy of Bronwyn Bishop and Sussan Ley of all people taking pot shots at Anthony Albanese and Daniel Andrews for taking flights – helicopter or fixed wing – paid for by someone else.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You wonder if the time is fast approaching when Prime Minister Anthony Albanese will have to give up all hope of bipartisan support for an indigenous voice to parliament, call out Opposition Leader Peter Dutton and most of the mainstream mediocre for the divisive, racist cunts they are and go it alone in garnering support for the end-of-year referendum.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You are not at all surprise to see that all the online bookies have blown out the chances of the LNP winning the 2025 federal election to 100 to 1 – or more in some cases – after rumours swirled around that Tony Abbott would make the perfect Senate NSW replacement for the late Jim Molan.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You feel tremendous frustration at news of the retirement of NZ PM Jacinda Ardern after almost six years in the job, having only just recently learnt not to refer to her as Jacinta Ahern.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You guess you are not alone in thinking it would be a good idea if the Robodebt Royal Commission was shut down immediately to preserve what little faith remains in the Australian public service and its senior practitioners.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You can barely wait for Channel 9 to start screening its latest reality TV project which sounds the perfect sequel to Married at First Sight. You can almost already see the closeups of shocked faces, eyes popped by a mixture of derision and scorn – by both men and woman, mind – as they recount their adventures on First Night Dud Roots.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Only a few days out from a Qantas flight to Los Angeles, you do the right and sensible thing and cancel your booked accommodation at the other end.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You wonder if you’re the only person in Australia who feels sorry for that sheila who was told by the director on Married at First Sight that if she repeatedly popped her eyes and turned her head and looked like she’s shocked, dismayed, furious or has just shat her pants – or all four – she might have a lucrative acting career ahead of her.