In more than a half-century of listening to Test cricket commentaries – on the crystal set, then on a real fancy electric radio with knobs and stuff, on ABC TV in black and white with just one camera at one end, and in glorious Wide World of Profits colour with Ian Chappell prattling on between drinks breaks – I’ve heard some really stupid, laugh-out-loud shit.

But for Test-standard risible rubbish, Channel Seven’s test commentary team executed the perfect hattrick of hopeless hyperbole on the final day of the SCG Test against South Africa.

Boy, oh boy, did the likes of Justin “I can fully answer a question about anything really” Langer, Ricky “I think my mouth just overheated” Pointing and Damien “I don’t think calling me a cricket great would be a stretch, really” Fleming, for the sake of building audience excitement, hit logical thought for six.

With Australia still needing two wickets to enforce the follow-on and set up the remote chance of a win despite so many hours lost to rain, the ex-flannelled fools in the Seven commentary box started to get very, very, excited – on viewers’ behalf – of the thrilling possibility that ALL outcomes were then in play.

I repeat: ALL! To be fair, I don’t think they considered a tie so it’s clear they saw, in their expert minds, three outcomes. And the one that had me rofling apart from a draw and an Aussie series cleansweep? That Aussie skipper Pat Cummins would not enforce the follow-on should he get that chance. Yep, just a short, sharp bat before giving the Proteas a difficult, one-day-style chance at a very unlikely and undeserved victory.

Look, we know these clowns are trained to make things sound as exciting as possible. Yes, even Test cricket.

It’s why, even if Cummins had kept his side out to the final over of that final day with eight wickets still to get, the likes of Langer, Ponting and Fleming would most likely have tried to get us all on the edge of our seats with the possibility of an Aussie win still on the cards, courtesy perhaps of a number of no-balls leading to runouts, perhaps?

But the chances of Cummins having a bat again were about as likely as convincing cricket tragics around the world that Don Bradman was a personable, friendly and inclusive chap who mixed easily with his never-would-be peers, loved working class people, saw merit on both sides of politics and thought cricketers deserved to be paid well for their talents. A 99.94 per cent chance of being an all-round swell guy in fact.

But our Seven team of experts saw things differently. In their minds and then drifting out of their mouths, an Aussie second knock was really on the cards and on our behalf, they had their beady eyes on the SCG playing surface when the Aussies knocked over SA still 220 odd runs behind.

“I can’t see the Aussie openers running off the pitch to get padded up,” one declared. Others agreed that would normally be the sign to look for. “Did Cummins just say something to the umpire?” said another who skipped lip-reading school.

Can we be perfectly frank here? If Cummins had batted again, it would have been on his head.

And by that, I mean Usman Khawaja’s bat would have been on Cummins’ head. There’s not a jury in the country that would have slotted Khawaja for murder should he have decided to cave Cummins’ head in with his DSC fine English willowed blade.

And why? Wasn’t that an absolute cunt act on Cummins’ part to deprive Khawaja of the chance of a double hundred when the fourth day finally got under way? Would the action-starved fans like to have seen that? Would it have really mattered if it took 10 minutes for a bloke who’s renowned for picking gaps and making starts to get to a milestone he’s a 100 per cent chance at his age of never reaching again?

Having to field again for a short while might even have messed with Proteas’ heads just a little? Maybe they would have still been six down at stumps?

Besides, given SCG Test history, did Cummins realistically believe his side had 14 wickets in them? Did he forget McGrath and Warne were long gone from the Test side?

Don Gordon-Brown

PS: And don’t get me started on Langer’s claim that those three slips chances given not out upstairs were clearly fair catches. Maybe it’s time for Specsavers to be the principal sponsor of Seven’s Test cricket coverage, with some much-needed vouchers sent to Justin “in my playing day, I steadfastly believed in the basic rule of cricket that the batsman should always be given the benefit of the doubt” Langer.

And a quick afterthought. If Ponting is paid by word, how can Seven afford him?