Look, just because you’ve more or less survived 2022 – and don’t get too cocky because there’s still some hours left! – it doesn’t mean 2023 is going to be a walk in the park.

Dangers abound out there in the real world, dear Buggers, and only a fool would step out into the 2023 void without first heeding the wise advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer in history, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias!

So for goodness sake, heed his warnings and step out in confidence. And tie up those bloody shoelaces for starters!

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

It finally dawns on your two youngest children that Santa Claus can’t be real because it beggars belief that anyone could have delivered toys to hundreds of millions of kids in a matter of hours during those once-in-a-century north American blizzards, a realisation on their part that comes as quite a relief to you seeing they’re 32 and 34.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

While there’s not a racist bone in your body, you are warming to the National Party view as espoused by leader David Littleproud that an indigenous voice to Parliament would not make First Nations people any whiter.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are rightly upset by all this revisionist woke talk trying to besmirch Sir Donald Bradman just because he wrote a letter to Malcolm Fraser in fulsome praise of John Kerr’s dismissal of that dreadful communist Whitlam government. Sure, The Don might have been a dreadful, self-centred, aloof, arrogant, worker-hating Tory cunt but he did average 99.94 in Tests and we should never forget that!

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Your heart goes out to a relative who has just been diagnosed with cancer and has been told by oncologists that nothing can be done for them as the disease is in fact liberal.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Keen to make the most of your remaining Christmas/New Year holidays you cancel your Jetstar flights and hire a car instead.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You are not at all surprised when you hear that the Channel 9 6pm news out of Brisbane will be known from the start of 2023 as the David Chrisafulli Show.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Your recurring dream of hot-tub group sex with Marise Payne, Michaelia Cash, Sussan Ley and Bronwyn Bishop takes a darker, sinister, tone when Prue MacSween and Teena McQueen join in.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You seek professional help for your hot-tub sex dreams only to be told they’re harmless fantasies because no-one makes hot-tubs that large.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You still can’t believe the criticism Elon Musk received when he took over Twitter and asked staff to start sleeping at the office, when that’s what you’ve been doing for most of the time in your current job.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Even though your children accepted your explanation you still feel a bit guilty, first for spending all of the money you put aside for their Christmas gifts on booze and betting apps, and second for telling them Santa couldn’t deliver any Christmas presents after being shot down by a Russian drone over Ukraine.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You also feel a bit guilty, first for spending all of the money you put aside for their back-to-school needs on booze and betting apps, and second for telling them they wouldn’t be going to their school in 2023 because it had been destroyed by a Russian drone that mistook it for a Ukraine paediatric intensive care hospital.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Down the local pub chatting to your mates in between guzzling booze and blowing all your money via your betting app you receive disbelieving looks when you casually let slip that you hope the war in Ukraine goes on for a long, long time.

And to all 12 starsigns …..

You lie awake in bed wondering if you’re the only person in Oz who has no fucking idea who most of the alleged talent are on the various TV stations’ New Year’s Eve concerts.