CHRISTMAS 2022:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has lashed out at South Australia’s Labor Party government for “killing Christmas”.

His Lordship called media representatives to his family seat of Pout House to blame SA Premier Peter Malinauskas and his government for terminating a longstanding Downer family tradition.

Arriving in a sedan chair bedecked with strands of decorative tinsel, Lord Downer alighted and used one of his own lace kerchiefs to mop the sweat from the muscled torsos of the four strapping and glistening young Pout House stable hands carrying the conveyance, all naked save for a liberal application of body oil, fake reindeer antlers, and stick-on red noses.

His Lordship began his remarks only after being assured by an under-butler that media representatives had been fumigated and would be kept at least 3.5 metres from him at all times.

“I am a stickler for social distancing, especially when at home here at Pout House,” he explained.

“I insist on never allowing any of my social inferiors within six cubits of my good self, especially when I am not carrying a swagger stick,” he said while waving an ivory-handled teak swagger stick menacingly in the direction of the assembled media throng.

His Lordship opened by saying: “The so-called ‘government’ formed by the so-called ‘Labor Party’ after the so-called ‘election’ held here in my beloved South Australia in March has proved its illegitimacy and vindictiveness by scuppering a Downer family tradition that has endured for decades, nay centuries.”

Lord Downer went on to explain that a prohibition notice received at Pout House from SafeWork SA meant the installation of the living angel on the family Christmas tree would not occur this year.

“I and my family have wonderful memories of previous years when we gathered to witness the living angel being hoisted aloft and tied with rope to the top of our Christmas tree. (main picture)

“Until this year it has been a tradition for one of Pout House’s second pantry maids to be attired as an angel and remain aloft with neither food nor water until the New Year arrived.

“Naturally, whichever maid was chosen usually played along by pretending to struggle and protest, and some have been very believable in their performance.

“Every such angel brought my family great joy as we were able to watch her lily white skin take on a rosy red festive glow as the days passed, as well as her muttered prayers and occasional wailing and senseless yet nevertheless entertaining ravings that drifted upon the night air into our bed chambers.

“Then once the festive season was at an end we would again gather at the foot of the tree to see the angel cut free and fall to the ground, marking the start of the New Year.

“But this grand tradition — started by my dear great, great grandpapa — is now at an end thanks to the so-called ‘workplace health and safety’ policies of the Labor Party government,” Lord Downer said, veritably spitting the last few words and visibly swooning such that one of the bearers of his sedan chair rushed to his side to catch him in his arms.

Reviving himself with a short draught of smelling salts, but remaining attached to the naked young stable hand as he struggled to become erect, His Lordship rounded on the SA government.

“That malmsey-nosed hornswoggler parading as Premier of our state – and when I say ‘our’ I mean the Downer family – and the pigeon-livered flapdoodles at WorkSafe SA have killed Christmas,” he said before sobbing uncontrollably and waving his swagger stick to signal the end of the news conference.

He was then carried to his sedan chair and returned to Pout House.

Lord Downer’s early departure meant it fell to the under-butler present to advise media representatives that His Lordship had intended for his annual Christmas gift-giving to take place at the now concluded news conference.

“Hear ye! Hear Ye!,” the under-butler cried. “His Lordship wishes it to be known that he will be in residence and ready to receive gifts from media representatives until Christmas Eve in recognition of the services he has performed throughout the year for our great state and nation.

“His Lordship wishes me to thank you in advance for your anticipated tributes which should be of a standard and quality befitting his status,” he declared before advising those present that they had two full minutes to depart the grounds before hounds were released.