SPORT:

The Socceroos’ 11th placing in the 2022 FIFA World Cup and Saturday’s on-field riot at an A-League match in Melbourne have prompted the development of a new plan which its architect says could see Australia win the 2026 cup.

CEO of Football Australia, James Johnson, unveiled the plan at a news conference held in the smoking ruins of AAMI Park, the site of the violent pitch invasion,  where some bodies were still to be removed from the field. (main picture)

“Let’s face it. We’re shit at soccer… oops, football. What horse ran 11th in the Melbourne Cup last month? Who ran 11th in the 100 metres at the Tokyo Olympics? There’s not even 11 films shortlisted for best picture at the Academy Awards!

“But Australia holds its own on the world stage when it comes to football hooliganism as shown on Saturday, so my plan is to combine football with mixed martial arts which is basically a barely controlled, no-holds-barred, violent encounter between adult participants.

“We’ve reached agreement with the governing body of mixed martial arts in Australia and from 2023 we’ll be combining both sports and rebadging the unified code as ‘fightball’ under a new national peak body Fightball Australia.”

Mr Johnson said once the merger happened and fightball teams started playing in Australia he would lead efforts to have FIFA direct other countries to follow suit so that the 2026 World Cup in North America would be a global fightball competition.

“I am very, very confident that FIFA will accept and make the necessary rule changes,” he said. “As usual, all it will take is a couple of suitcases stuffed with cash delivered to the right people and we’re on our way to winning in 2026.”