Never before in the history of The Bug’s Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month award have the uncoveted trophy’s judges ever had such a difficult decision to make.

Oh, don’t get them wrong. They unanimously gave the November award to columnist for The Australian Nick Cater. All other contenders were immediately cast aside once they saw his column on November 14 lamenting the rise of single young females.

The judges’ only dilemma was in deciding whose arse – or arses – Cater had been giving a frenzied tonguing to in a disturbingly deranged piece in which he rued that too many young women voted left and it was high time they dropped out of uni, got married and became totally disillusioned with life.

We’re paraphrasing a bit there but as one of our judges said: “The shit that pours out of this poor bastard’s brain, travels down through his nerve endings and out through his typing fingers to the printed word is seemingly endless, so there’s got to be a helluva lot of arselicking going on there but whose?

“It can’t be all the Dirty Digger’s. How much shit would be left in that scrawny nonagenerian’s freckle? Little pellets every now and then at the most.”

To help you understand the judges’ dilemma, here’s a taste of what Cater, who is also the executive director of the of the right-wing stink tank Menzies Research Centre, wrote about the daunting task the Right has in winning modern elections because of the rise of single, educated women.

“Young women may be more ideologically drawn to the left than those older and wiser to the ways of the world, particularly those who had the dubious fortune of attending university.”

Cater opined that single women vote left because they have “a vested interest in state intervention”. They expected governments to be a replacement breadwinner .. “an ever reliable partner with deep pockets to top up their meagre income”.

“Governments must address the promiscuous access to higher education,” Cater railed.

Yes, we know! We know! We had to keep checking the column’s dateline to make sure it wasn’t April 1.

Rachel Withers, writing in The Monthly the day Cater’s fanatical piece was published, might have thought the same considering this observation: “….apparently the solution to the Liberal Party’s well-documented ‘women problem’ is to educate fewer of them, and marry them off to male breadwinners so they learn to vote right”.

One of our Arse-Licker judges said. “Can you see the problem we faced?”

“With Jane Austen-era attitudes like that, who the hell is Nick catering to with this fecal dribble?

“Any Liberal politicians who thinks ringmaster Cater is on a winner with this line of reasoning might go about with the cleanest coits in the country but they’d also be headed to the political penury of being perpetually pummelled at the polls.

“Maybe deep down Cater is some sort of double agent really wanting the left to thrive?

“He might actually be licking the arses of the likes of Anthony Albanese, Daniel Andrews, Chris Minns, Peter Malinauskas, Annastacia Palaszczuk (oooh!) and Mark McGowan by some deviously deceptive form of remote, hands and tongue-off orifical osmosis.

“His frenzied licking redirected through the airwaves somehow. Think not so much blue tooth but brown tongue.”