It’s day one, folks, and the important thing to remember is that Australia is the most dangerous place on earth in any season but especially December 1 to February 28.

Death could be waiting for you around any corner, the next time you take a plunge or just by sitting down, but you all know the best chance of getting to Autumn ’23 is to religiously follow the wise advice of the world’s most respected and accurate soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias. He’s never lost anyone on his watch.

He’ll keep you safe from that juvenile but fully grown taipan basking just around the corner on that bush track, free from the jaws of that great white lurking just behind the breakers and that red-back under the dunny seat.

Take heed and we can all get though this, okay! And don’t forget to slip, slop, slap.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

While you totally agree with Alan Jones that Peta Credlin should be parachuted into a safe Liberal seat in Victoria to lead that decimated state party, you do chastise yourself for the unkind thought that it would best be done without the use of a chute.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You reread the star above and wonder whether “safe Liberal seat” is an oxymoron in modern-day Australian politics.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You sincerely hope Sarah Abo is being paid an obscene amount of money by Channel 9 to work beside Karl Stefanovic.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You watch with great interest a lengthy segment on a recent episode of ABC TV’s Gardening Australia in which Costa Georgiadis demonstrates in great detail the work, time, and patience needed to grow your own potatoes but you end up thinking: “Fuck it. I’ll buy a bag at Woolies.”

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You remain absolutely positive you’ve made the right decision in putting your new $7999 Samsung 150cm state-of-the-art TV and entertainment system out for kerbside collection after reading an article on all the reality TV programs the networks have planned for 2023.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You still find it hard to believe that the National Party would ever have a federal leader who made Michael McCormack and Barnaby Joyce look good.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Over the past week while watching plugs on ABC TV for last Monday’s Australian Story you wonder how many more profiles of ABC chair Ita Buttrose can the ABC do?

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You live in dread of those Medibank Private hackers releasing to the public details of your three very painful and expensive but successful penis-reduction surgeries.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You are not at all surprised when you read that the coroner handling the inquest into fraudster Melissa Caddick has ruled that the lower part of one of her feet is dead.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Your marriage enters a rocky stage with the blame game beginning after your only child is diagnosed by a mental-care counsellor at the university she’s attending with early onset Morrison syndrome.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You catch a glimpse of Tony Abbott at the unveiling of his portrait at Parliament House doing that lizard tongue thing/lips purse combination he bungs on when he thinks he’s something special and realise with some satisfaction that you haven’t missed him one iota.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You’re not at all surprised when you hear that the makers of Wondersoft toilet tissue are rebranding the product with the catchy, consumer-friendly moniker Herald-Sun.