EDITORIAL:

Today’s column on the Victorian election outcome from our ranter-in-residence has been reluctantly held over until it can be suitably modified to suit not only The Bug’s journalistic standards but the community-standard expectations of our readers.

Our ranter in residence (pictured below right) had been warned on numerous occasions of his overuse of the word “cunt” in describing people who have offended him, which is why our technical nerds – sorry, experts – invented an algorithm – a new reportage metric exclusive to The Bug – that automatically vets his columns and records the CPCC rate. That’s cunts per column centimetre.

Sadly, when our ranter-in-residence filed his election column late last night, warning lights wired to the algorithm lit up like the Christmas tree in King George Square in our sub-editing hub on the mezzanine level at Bug HQ.

Once notified by an ashed-faced chief sub, I was left with no option but to electronically spike his column and when he finally wakes up later this afternoon, he’ll see my demand that he dramatically reduces the use of the cunt word in it to an acceptable CPPC rate.

Our ranter-in-residence has another unfortunate habit, honed over decades despite untold people advising it was not doing his work prospects any good at all, of telling those who have offended him to “go fuck themselves with a rubber hose.”

While he might have thought it funny to file last night’s column with dozens of photos of mainstream media politics writers/columnists/presenters, their faces covered in egg and each photo bearing its own blockline – GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A RUBBER HOSE! – in caps and in red, I have once again ruled that this is unacceptable in Australia’s No.1 family netzine and that matter will also need to be addressed urgently if and when he sobers up.