For what’s left of my sanity, I simply cannot accept some of the major findings of the most recent poll on Saturday’s Victorian election outcome.

I’m forced to shout “rogue poll” on any voter survey that could find that the gap between Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews and Opposition Leader Matthew … sorry, Matt ….Guy as preferred Premier has narrowed.

ROGUE POLL! Sorry, but shouting that out at the top of my lungs makes me feel better. It might not make me right but, damn, it cheers me up no end and clears the pipes.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more shambolic, hopeless, error-riddled campaign by a politician seeking high office. Let’s cut to the chase. Guy is a goose. He’s as much a leader of men and women as Milo Kerrigan was a world boxing champion. As a political operator, he makes Frank Spencer look like a sophisticated man of the world.

Mind if I pause briefly here to think up some comparisons that my younger readers can relate to?

No good! I’m too fucking old so let’s continue.

For mine, Guy’s come up with a big fat F on the Cs that matter …. charm (assuming charisma is too big a stretch), character, confidence and conviction to name the Cs I can think of at short notice that don’t end in unt.

Even if you accept the unrelenting general mainstream mediocre chorus line that Andrews is a corrupt, conniving, creepy, injury-faking, lockdown-loving, business-hating, wife-blaming cunt of a conman who deserves to be punted by the punters, Guy has emerged battered and bruised from a succession of train wrecks, many of his own making seeing he makes Scott Morrison look like a devoted teller of truths.

Andrews is striving for his third term and a statue near Parliament House for pigeons to shit on so I’ll gladly accept the latest Resolve Monitor poll conducted for The Age that suggests he and his Labor team have lost some bark on a two-party preferred terms these past four years. That’s to be expected.

But Guy gaining ground as preferred Premier, even if the incumbent is still well ahead by 48/34? Really! Guy deserves to be in single figures. I haven’t heard such bullshit since Catherine Cumming last opened her mouth after yet another grey-mist brain fade.

Now please hold on for a sec one more time while I adjust my column dinkus.

Right, now let’s shovel more coal in the hopper and get this column’s train of thought at full steam as it passes Guy’s latest train wreck. Get some hard-earned on what I’m about to predict, provided of course that you promise to gamble responsibly.

To repeat: I’m declaring this Resolve Monitor poll ROGUE! And if its preferred Premier finding has a stink about it, so does its other outcomes, especially showing Labor and the LNP level on primary support. I’m declaring here and now that at the end of counting on Saturday night Andrews’ Labor mob will NOT be level pegging with Guy’s onward Christian soldiers and pretend Nazis who have no fucking idea how terrible the Holocaust was (I have no intention of offending the Jewish lobby!)

The ALP will be a healthy couple of points – plus some – ahead. I’m tipping 38.44 per cent to the Opposition’s 35.88. Add the strong Greens vote and whatever mischief Teal candidates can do in preference counting in some Opposition seats and Labor is going to be returned with a healthy majority.

Direct message me with your bank details if you want the final 2PP vote late Saturday night.

A Danslide will most likely find me spending a few days ringing mainstream mediocre outlets throughout Melbourne and shouting obscenities, quite unfairly, at unsuspecting switchboard operators if they refuse to put me through to various “journalists” such as Rachel Baxendale, Michael Rowland and anyone with James as a first name or surname.

A nice solid Labor win as it enters its third term will have me slightly less offensive but nicely smug nevertheless about the good sense of Victorians and their ability to reject MSM bias, bullshit and bastardry.

Don Gordon-Brown

PLEASE NOTE: Earlier versions of this rant were based on my very possible misreading of media reports on the Resolve poll, namely that Andrews and Guy were neck and neck in the preferred Premier stakes as well as in primary vote support. My pathetic excuse as the self-proclaimed father of drongo journalism is that maybe, just maybe, ABC News Breakfast tricked/confused/befuddled me with its on-screen graphics. Or I need to go to Specsavers. Aw, fuck it … no …. I’m a drongo!

My thanks to former colleague at The Courier-Mail, Peter Klages – remember, Peter, when it was almost a newspaper worth reading? – for alerting me to my errors and providing this graphic of the Resolve findings.