INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY:

NUSA DUA, INDONESIA: A diplomatic masterclass by Prime Minister Anthony Albanese at the G20 meeting here in Bali will see exports of Australian primary produce worth $20 billion annually start to flow again to Chinese markets.

This follows the snap decision by Chinese president Xi Jingping during an overnight 32 minute chat on the G20 sidelines with Mr Albanese to scrap crippling tariffs imposed on those goods during the half-year diplomatic deep-freeze between the two countries.

The hefty tariffs covered Australian barley and wine exports with additional barriers to several products including timber, lobster and coal.

A beaming Mr Albanese couldn’t contain his delight when he talked exclusively to The Bug after the meeting on the G20 sidlelines that ABC’s Patricia Karvelas declared had no hope of going ahead.

“I knew that talks with President Xi would go nowhere if we wasted time on that long list of conditions China had imposed on any chance of reproachment between Australia and China. We wouldn’t give ground on any one of them; they were all grossly unreasonable.

“So as soon as we got past the opening formalities and pleasantries, I simply said to Xi: “Will you lift those tariffs on those goods and let them into China again if I scrap those stupid plans to buy a handful of nuclear submarines under the AUKUS agreement?”

“Xi nodded immediately and we spent the rest of our time talking about how nice Bali and its people are and, sure, we shared a few Bintangs and some nibblies as well.”

“Talk about a win-win-win situation for our country,” Mr Albanese said.

“The procurement of those eight or so nuclear subs was probably the most stupid, illogical and costly defence materiels procurement by any LNP government in Australia’s history. I accept that’s a very big call.

“Their entire purpose as nuclear submarines was to be able to travel north and deep into the South China Sea and get up the Chinese government’s nose. Not a very smart idea seeing China is probably already powerful enough now to defeat the United States in any armed conflict.

“They would have cost hundreds of billions of dollars and if and when they had ever been delivered, China will have the military capacity to take them out in the first days – if not minutes – of any war between us.”

“So it’s a win, win, win for Australia,” Mr Albanese repeated, giving our camera operator the big thumbs-up.

As our interview with Mr Albanese neared its end, a mass of flying pink pigs that had been hovering stationary overhead and listening to the conversation became restless and started to move south into the Indian Ocean.