VICTORIAN POLITICS:

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has offered to provide a state funeral for media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

“The Premier feels it’s the least he can do after all Mr Murdoch has done for him,” a spokesperson for Mr Andrews said.

“Mr Murdoch has been most helpful at the previous two Victorian elections starting in 2014 when News Crap Australia outlets campaigned for the Liberal Party and mercilessly attacked and belittled Dan Andrews and the Labor Party.

“The same happened in 2018 and we know News Crap Australia will again throw even more shit at Labor and the Premier in the next few weeks.

“But the result has always been the same – a win for Labor in direct proportion to the vehemence of the Murdoch media’s attacks – which is why the Premier feels indebted to Mr Murdoch and wants to show his appreciation in a very tangible way.”

The spokesperson said Mr Andrews had been prompted to make public his offer of a state funeral by recent news that 91-year-old Murdoch was now confined to his ranch in the US state of Montana.

The Australian arm of the Murdoch media empire has been quick to assure the public and stock markets that despite his isolation in Montana, Mr Murdoch was still in a condition to lead both News Crap Australia and News International and underlined its message by releasing a picture of him relaxing at his ranch. (main picture)

But Mr Andrews is undeterred.

“It’s clear that Mr Murdoch is not long for this world,” the Premier’s spokesperson said.

“That’s why the Premier is determined to fulfil his promise as soon as the election is out of the way so he will also be arranging for Mr Murdoch to be flown to Melbourne for the state funeral as soon as possible after Labor is returned to office.

“Admittedly it will be a somewhat less dramatic affair if Mr Murdoch is actually dead by then, but either way Victorians will have an opportunity to say their own personal farewells when he is placed on a gibet in Federation Square for a day or two before being transported to Melbourne General Cemetery in inner-city Carlton where he’ll be buried dead or alive.”