As the year’s end is now well within sight, our in-house astrologer casts his expert eye around the nation and, as usual, doesn’t always like what he sees.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You are not the least bit surprised when you read that organisers of the next Academy Awards, BAFTAs, AACTAs, and Logies all say they are willing to change their rules to ensure their best actor gong can be shared among Michell Landry, Bridget McKenzie, Sussan Ley, and all the other female MPs from the Liberal and National parties who attended Landry’s post-question time news conference in Canberra last Thursday.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

As you watch a rerun of  Paul McDermott’s shortlived ABC TV quiz show Think Tank from 2018, you assume that title was chosen only because Pointless was already taken.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Flipping to SBS you start drafting a complaint to the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission about misleading product descriptions after wondering who on earth are all those nobodies behind the desks on Celebrity Letters and Numbers.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

As a long-time fan you start plans for booking your flights to and from Darwin when you hear the B52s are to be based in the NT. You think seeing them take-off and land could be a real blast; even sometimes when they’re just in their parking bays there.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Having just moved into your new house yesterday you regret your efforts last night to break the ice with your new neighbour by complimenting them on their hideously effective and frighteningly realistic Halloween outfit only to be told they were not wearing a costume or make-up.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Given Russia’s attack on Ukraine and China’s ongoing threats to invade Taiwan you reckon Australians shouldn’t really give a fuck about trends in NAPLAN tests but should be more worried about seemingly imminent NAPALM tests.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Having missed the full program on Thursday night you make a point on Sunday of watching  Q&A Highlights on ABC TV only to find out it consists of opening credits, a short burst of the ABC test pattern, then closing credits.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Although you did commit the horrendous crime police intensively interrogate you about, you panic and fabricate an alibi by claiming you were at home watching SBS TV at the time of the offence. When the police ask for details of the program you take a complete stab in the dark and say, “The one about Hitler”, and within minutes of them checking the TV guide for the night in question they say you are free to go.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You throw a brick through your TV screen after watching a Channel 9 promo for its new reality TV program: My Great Great Grandfather; Your Great Great Grandmother.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You work out that if all advertising by the ever-increasing plethora of online betting agencies were to be banned one day, Channel 9’s 6pm one-hour news would probably run for 21 minutes, max.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

As only a sporadic viewer of the ABC’s 7.30 program you nevertheless tune in last Tuesday night for its federal budget coverage and couldn’t help notice that the host who isn’t Leigh Sales any more was obviously trying to smile more and project a less severe image which immediately makes you wonder what her producers have told her about audience feedback and who else will be hosting when the program returns in 2023.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

After reading reports that wastewater tests in 2021 show Darwin residents lead the nation in the consumption of alcohol and cigarettes you are somewhat disturbed by the response from Northern Territory civic leaders who say Territorians need to lift their game because the city showed only the second-highest consumption of methamphetamines and must do better in next year’s tests.