UK CONSERVATIVES:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has offered himself as the next leader of the British Conservative Party.

At a brief news conference held at his family seat Pout House, His Lordship declared his willingness and availability to lead the troubled party and, as a consequence, become the UK’s next prime minister.

Lord Downer ordered media representatives to stay beyond the boundary fence of Pout House’s western polo ground and addressed them from behind a hedge where, he advised, he was being held aloft by well-muscled and oiled under-butlers stripped to the waist.

“These troubled times require a man, nay a statesman, to serve at the heart of our Empire as Prime Minister of our Mother Country,” Lord Downer declared.

“One does not wish to blow one’s own trumpet,” he added. “One in my position has young men on my staff who can do that for me.

“But one cannot hide the fact that one is eminently qualified for the job of First Lord of the UK Treasury and consequently to enter 10 Downing Street as Prime Minister.

“One has vast experience as leader of a conservative party which equips one to lead the Conservative Party.”

His Lordship then recited his political CV, beginning with his election to the seat of Mayo in South Australia in 1984.

“One had an illustrious career after that landmark event in our nation’s history,” he declared.

“There followed my record service as our nation’s Foreign Minister and after that my continued service to the Empire as Australia’s Plenipotentiary Extraordinaire to the Court of St James.”

At that point media representatives who noted that His Lordship had omitted to expand on his time as leader of the federal Liberal Party, asked him about his service in that role from May 1994 to January 1995.

After falling silent for some moments, and being able to be heard even from a distance audibly breathing heavily through his nose which he dabbed with a lace kerchief drawn from his left sleeve,  Lord Downer responded.

“One has already said what one has to say on that interregnum in my memoir specifically covering my leadership, The Downer Months,” he advised.

“Besides, one does not view my service in that role as a thing that matters in the context of the UK Conservative Party’s needs at this moment.”

His Lordship, apparently attempting to divert attention from the subject of his leadership skills,  proceeded to reflect on his own family’s history of political service.

“If only my dear Papa and Grand Papa who themselves also helped create and serve our nation and Empire were still alive to see how well I have carried on our proud family tradition,” His Lordship declared.

“If only one could be sure that such a noble tradition is guaranteed to continued by my gorgeous darling daughter Lady Georgina Downer,” he said, as his voice began to tremble.

“Oh my dear Georgina, when will the so-called ‘voters’ come to their senses?”

A weeping Lord Downer then called an end to the news conference, motioned to his under-butlers, and was lowered behind the hedge and disappeared from view.