TRAVEL NEWS:

SYDNEY: A return to profitability by Qantas is great news for Australian travellers!

To celebrate this amazing economic turnaround, the airline’s CEO Alan Joyce (partly pictured, above) has announced a million heavily discounted one-way fares will be offered by Qantas and its cut-price subsidiary JetStar for flights booked for 2023.

The heavily slashed prices have been made possible by Mr Joyce’s annoucement that the Flying Kangaroo will post a profit of up to $1.3 billion in the second half of the year.

The prices will start at $60 for Jetstar and $100 for Qantas. The prices will increase to $120 and $200 respectively for travellers who want their booked flights to take off within 24 hours of the scheduled time, and $240 and $400 for travellers who not only want that to happen but that their luggage not only accompanies them on the flight they’re on but then actually appears on the carousals in the arrival halls at their place of destination.

“I tink dat commitment is foine and one both airlines can honour at least some of the toime,” Mr Joyce said, “provided that on the day of travel, the weather is also foine, travellers continue to improve their check-in skills dat got very, very, rusty during those totally unnecessary COVID lockdowns, there are no more security breaches at Qantas check-ins and unions back right off so we can continue to sack Australian workers and replace them with cheap contracted overseas labour to cover my annual bonus which I tink is due soon.”

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