LORD DOWNER:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has thrown open the doors of his family seat Pout House to celebrate his appointment by the British government to oversee a scheme to deport asylum seekers to the African nation of Rwanda.

His Lordship yesterday despatched heralds from his Adelaide Hills estate to proclaim an “open house” would be held in the east wing ballroom of Pout House to mark “the historic occasion” which, he noted, coincided with the end of his declared mourning period for the late Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

As the sun was setting last evening His Lordship himself stood at the ballroom’s main doors to welcome guests and turn away those he said comprised “the unsuitable classes who always try to take advantage of one’s generosity”.

In the end the ballroom remained somewhat empty with no outsiders deemed suitable for admission and the only participants in the event being a handful of Pout House under-butlers whom Lord Downer ordered to dance naked “so that I can closely observe and correct their gait when necessary”. (main picture)

After tapping his longstaff, then personally applying generous amounts of oudh sampa exotic oil from his personal stock to the under-butlers’ taut bodies,  His Lordship directed the Pout House string quartet to strike up.

After bowing deeply in the direction of a large portrait of King Charles III on the wall, Lord Downer led the group of unclad young men in a series of his favourite longways dances starting with a swift Hon and His Nob, a Hole in the Wall, and a lively Huzza My Boys.

His Lordship, obviously enthused, then called for a New White Cockade which was followed by a Dartford Camp and a Johnny Raw, with the set finished off with Johnny’s A Coming.

Lord Downer then enjoyed a short break to partake of a light supper consisting largely of meringues, macarons, and pavlovas, while noting that he preferred such repasts which relied only on the whites of eggs.

After tea was served, His Lordship remarked how the vigorous dancing had tested the stamina of his fellow dancers, before spending some time individually massaging each of the under-butlers.

As the quartet again began to play, Lord Downer threw himself into  Mac’s Hornpipe and Parker’s Hornpipe before enjoying Largo’s Fairy Dance and the Ploughboy’s Reel.

However, a sour note intruded when His Lordship stopped the music to declare he would not be partaking in several of the sets next listed on his dance card  including the Negresse, the Negro Boy, and the Jew of Mogadore.

His Lordship and his under-butlers then proceeded to the Root House before enjoying the Lads of Ayr, and the Young Hussar.

The evening concluded with His Lordship inviting, more correctly ordering, the under-butlers to join him in a Merry Cottager, noting that it had become his favourite during his time as Australia’s plenipotentiary extraordinaire to the Court of St James in London.

He then led the naked young men in a Four in Hand followed by a vigorous Hey My Nancy.

Before retiring, an exhausted Lord Downer said he was looking forward to his new role working for the UK government.

Asked what he hoped to achieve in his new role he said he wanted to repeat what he had achieved when Foreign Minister of Australia.

“One hopes that one will be able to help protect the Mother Country from unwashed tinted riff-raff including those from the colonies who dare to think we owe them something,’ he declared.

Before leaving the ballroom he added that he also hoped to teach the Rwandan government to spell.

“Have these people never heard of vowels. Good God man!” he said before being carried out of the room by the naked and by now exhausted under-butlers.