INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY THEFT:

Cyber thieves who hacked the minds of a number of leading Liberal women politicians and party spruikers have come up more or less empty-handed.

“There was absolutely nothing worth demanding a ransom over and we apologise for our actions and we most certainly would have immediately deleted anything if we had found anything worth deleting,” the hackers said in an email obviously designed to cover their tracks, lessen the extent of their villainry and hopefully to get authorities to back off and leave them alone because of their obvious youth and naivity.

Among the Liberal brains hacked and thoughts extracted were Michaela Cash, Holly Hughes, Jane Hume, Bridget McKenzie, Anne Ruston, Sarah Henderson, Jacinta Price, defeated Queensland LNP senate candidate Amanda Stoker, beaten Warringah candidate Katherine Deves and outspoken Liberal Party national VP Teena McQueen.

The Bug understands that the thoughts of several of the Liberal women were dedicated solely to which of their pearl necklace strands they would wear to their next media call or party function. Interesting, and all so sad, but hardly blackmail material.

The hackers were particular saddened to discover that the thoughts of the likes of Holly Hughes, Amanda Stoker, Katherine Deves and Teena McQueen were almost totally dominated by the brilliant calls they believe they had made at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Sydney, namely that the Liberal Party desperately needed to move much further to the right if they ever wanted to regain former blue-ribbon seats lost to the Labor, the Teals and other independents back in May.

Great news for the ALP and future Teal and independent candidates but in terms of monetising the whole hacking process: close but no cigar.

Younger members of the hacking team had also been distressed by pornographic images of those three involving fantasies of hot group sex with Eric Abetz, Tony Abbott, Nigel Farage and Rowan Dean at that CPAC talkfest.

The hackers at first thought those images would be perfect for blackmail purposes until they researched the women’s brain patterns more and found they were quite proud of those sexual longings, something normal, decent, Australian women would find abhorrent and projectile vomit inducing.

Ditto for images extracted from some of the Liberal women showing Aussie kids languishing in shocking conditions in Middle East refugee camps. It turned out that these Liberal women were in fact happy that these kids were suffering and had no hope whatsoever of a future seeing they were all radicalised muzzies and potential jihadist mass murderers of innocent Australian citizens.

Bridget McKenzie’s brain was awash with colour-coded spreadsheets and shotgun shooting trophies while Sarah Henderson’s was dominated by an almost red-hot disgust at how left-wing the Australian Broadcasting Corporation had become since she left it.

The brain of one of the women hacked was filled entirely with sadness and remorse at the very thought she would never get to serve under former prime minister Scott Morrison ever again. She believed she had given her all in that role and had really put her back in it.

And the hackers thought that Jane Hume’s brain might contain at least one policy worth exploiting for monetary gain if only to sell to the ALP. But no. Nothing!

The hackers at first thought the screeching noises that dominated Michaelia Cash’s thought process were some sort of clever use of sophisticated electronic software to disguise her true underlying thought processes but as one of the hackers finally admitted in a follow-up email: “There was no trickery, no subterfuge at all; once we isolated and muted the screetchware there was simply next to nothing there at all.

“Barely enough brain activity, really, to support human life as we know it.”