We might be about to start the second month of Spring but the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever, Kisma Aryias, has this uncanny feeling that many of you out there in Bugland are starting to wonder why it’s still so bloody cool, windy and overcast and not just in Melbourne.

For that reason, Kisma, who has written exclusively for The Bug for more than three decades, has gone out of his way to extract from his crystal ball a dozen, feel-good, positive predictions that will have you hankering to race outside, smell those spring flowers and get on with life by grabbing it by the throat and refusing to let go. Carpe diem!

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

After watching all the online sports bets ads that dominate the evening news on all the commercial TV networks, and ditto for the live sports events that follow each and every weekend, and then factor into that the obscene amounts that betting firms are also happily spending on full-page ads in the metropolitan media, you slowly come to the view – not that it’s that much of a stretch – that there are very few punters out there who are gambling responsibly.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

Although not a big fan of King Charles the Third, after watching the recent saturation media coverage given to the death of his mother you sincerely hope and pray that he lives to be at least 125, which should well and truly see you out.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Your friends suggest counselling after you tell them you found the first three episodes of the new ABC drama series Marriage fast-paced and easy to follow.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You begrudgingly renew your annual subscription for a well-known anti-virus software for your home computer even though in the past few decades you’ve used the same software and it has never actually detected a single threat.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You take to your bed and stay there for two days after reading a Parnell Palme McGuinness column in The Sydney Morning Herald that almost made sense.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You seek professional help for a recurring and exceptionally vivid dream in which you have hot group sex with Holly Hughes and Bronwyn Bishop, both butt naked except for pearl necklaces strung around their necks.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19.

The sex therapist you approach for help is confident he can help you but admits he has no answer as to why you keep finding a perfectly formed white pearl lodged in your bellybutton and the first couple of a fairy long string of them protruding from your anus the morning after each of this dream sequences.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You’ve been unable to control regular fits of laughter that first erupted when you saw mid week the ABC promo for Thursday’s night’s Q&A and heard Stan Grant declare the show would be one of reasoned, reasonable, respectable and respected debate, even though the panel included Alan “where’s that chaff bag?” Jones and Bridget “fuck what local people sought funding for and, hey, my spreadsheet textas are starting to run out!” McKenzie.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You love the name of the new federal integrity commission – the National Anti-Corruption Commission – and wonder who will be the first Morrison government minister to be well and truly NACCered by it.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

After listening to a number of interviews by Attorney General Mark Dreyfus, you start to think maybe that the Anthony Albanese government could very only last one term, given Dreyfus is not a patch on the silky smooth, nuanced, highly intelligent, pitch-perfect oratorical skills of his predecessor Michaela Cash.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

A rusted-on Liberal voter, you grow increasing confident with each and every federal parliament Question Time that passes that the LNP are ready starting to cut through with their accusation that the Albanese government has failed utterly to reduce electricity prices by $275 by 2025.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Thanks to your local GP and the script they provided, you are resting comfortably at home as you recover from the shock you suffered when discovering that a non-perishable item you bought at Aldi wasn’t made in China.