LORD DOWNER:

The recent death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has prompted Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills to release details of his own funeral arrangements.

His Lordship, still in mourning attire for Her Majesty (main picture), summoned media representatives to his family seat Pout House to brief them on the details of the event.  

After ensuring reporters, camera operators, and photographers had been thoroughly fumigated, Lord Downer began by assuring the assembled throng that the event would be “some way off yet”, a remark which prompted some mirth.

His Lordship brought an end to the laughter by striking a reporter standing close by with his ivory-headed brass swagger stick before adding: “The Downer family, nay the Downer dynasty, has longevity in its genes.

“I am now just a few years off my God-given lifespan of three score years and ten ….”

At that point one reporter interjected to state that he understood His Lordship had reached 70 and had in fact marked his 71^st birthday earlier this month.

Without a word His Lordship cut the brave man a stern look and used his swagger stick to direct several under-butlers standing nearby to escort the recalcitrant reporter from the room.

This action was performed somewhat awkwardly by the two young members of His Lordship’s household retinue given that their trousers were lowered to just below their knees, exposing their intimate nether regions.

After the door had been closed behind the offender, His Lordship picked up where he had left off.

“I am now just a few years off my God-given lifespan of three score years and ten so it is incumbent upon me to make plans for the outpouring of uncontrollable yet totally understandable grief that will accompany my ultimate demise,” he said.

Lord Downer then outlined arrangements he had personally drawn up that would be implemented once he had left this mortal coil.

“There shall be a suitable national mourning period of six months following my passing,” he said.

“During this period there shall be no public or private entertainments allowed and only churches shall open their doors for the lower orders to offer up their prayers, thoughts, and silent contemplation in memory of my sterling and longstanding service.

“There shall also be issued orders for flags across our state, nay our nation, to be flown at half-mast.

“The male members of my household shall be required to follow suit and wear their breeches at half-mast for the period also.”

Pointing with his swagger stick at the two aforementioned under-butlers, His Lordship explained: “To ensure compliance I have already ordered them to immediately practise their perambulations whilst being clad so.

“I have also drafted arrangements for a national service of thanksgiving for my many decades of public service including as our nation’s longest-serving foreign minister and more lately as High Commissioner to the Court of St James, a position enjoyed by my dear Papa and in which I, as did he, found great satisfaction and pleasure as plenipotentiary extraordinaire to our Mother Country.”

His Lordship then listed details of his anticipated state funeral service including his lying in state at the Adelaide Club which he insisted should open its doors to admit “the wretched and the vile subservient classes” to pay their respects “with suitable cleaning and disinfecting processes undertaken afterwards”.

On mentioning the matter of the fate of his titles, lands, tenants, serfs and chattels His Lordship grew emotional.

His voice faltering as he drew a lace kerchief from a sleeve to dab at his by now teary eyes, Lord Downer said: “My one regret is that I cannot bequeath my darling daughter, the Lady Georgina my seat in our national parliament as did my dear Papa and my dear Grand Papa.

“Oh my darling dear daughter, I have failed you,” His Lordship wailed.

At that he motioned for the two semi-naked under-butlers to approach at which he fell into a swoon into their arms and was carried, again somewhat awkwardly given the strictures of their attire, from the room.