ARMAGEDDON OUTTA HERE!

Humanity as we largely know it is expected to cease later today when the whole world comes to a complete standstill for the funeral of Queen Elizabeth 11 in London.

A panel of scientific experts from around the globe assembled by The Bug say some human life may survive when the whole world stops for the occasion later today Brisbane time but not many, while most animal species will become instinct. Some would flourish, however, especially cold water ocean life.

We sought their learned opinion on what was unlikely to unfold after the world’s media almost unanimously declared the entire planet would be stopped in its tracks later today.

The scientists’ statement said: “At the Equator, the earth’s rotational motion is at its fastest, about a thousand miles an hour. When that motion suddenly stops as the late Monarch’s funeral service gets under way, the momentum will send things flying eastward.

“Moving rocks and oceans will trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. The still-moving atmosphere will scour landscapes. It’s not going to be pretty.”

The scientists argued that even though we are all going to be in the same boat – and even that wouldn’t save us and don’t even think life jackets are going to help – the humans we should all feel the sorriest for are those who have not, through any fault of their own, been in a position to hear the world’s media announce that the whole world was going to stop for this amazing event and the life-ending consequences of that rotational cessation.

“To the countless hundreds of thousands of British people actually lining the funeral procession route in person or watching throughout the United Kingdom, it’s going to be a mighty comfort to know why huge tidal waves are pushing up the Thames and reducing Westminster Abbey to a rubble and that they will be able to find solace that they are all joining their beloved Queen in eternal rest.

“But at least they’ll be prepared and can give one another farewell hugs. Time before hand even to rush down to their locals for a final pint and watch the service from there, with friends and relatives gathered around for one final grand farewell and maybe a singalong of some Vera Lynn wartime songs.

“But they’re the lucky ones. Spare a thought for the countless millions in flooded Pakistan who are only now slowly recovering from record floods that have inundated a third of their country and maybe had hoped to watch the service on the TVs they used to own before their homes were devastated and powered by electricity they used to have connected.

“Spare a thought also for those in southern Japan and Puerto Rico also now without power to be warned of such things as they battle typhoons; the heathen tribes of Africa unaware of the passing of the spiritual head and defender of the one true faith of Anglicanism; the many millions of Muslims worldwide called to prayer in an unfortunate programming clash of spiritual and religious commitments, the countless rural poor of China and the Uyghurs in that country’s concentration camps; the poorer nomadic peoples of the Mongolian steppes; the remaining primate tribes of what had been left of the Amazon but which will no longer exist after today; the aged and demented in care around the world, the innocent newborn and young at the other end of life’s grand journey, the Ukrainian and Russian forces and other conflicted groups fighting bitterly around the globe as we draft this statement. We could go on.

“As a scientific group, we have also factored in the possibility there might even be some Australians who are so sick to death of all the pomp and ceremony going on over in Britain about the death of a woman who meant diddley-squat to them that they’ve tuned out and won’t have heard the warnings of the world’s media of the imminent end of the world as we know it.

“These countless millions of people around the globe, mostly ignorant of the fate that soon awaits them through no fault of their own, are the ones going to be hardest hit by this looming event.

“It’s going to be the death of them; it really is.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Although Australian media are starting their funeral broadcasts around 4pm to allow their talking heads time to dribble on inanely and insufferably for what will seem like eternity and it soon will be, Australians will probably not start dying in very large numbers until around 6.15pm Australian eastern standard time. Plenty of time to buy a slab and give the squeeze one for old time’s sake.