It’s been a cold, wet, heartless winter for many, hasn’t it?

Left a lot of us dispirited and on edge, right? But Spring has sprung, and surely it’s time to step out with renewed confidence and expectations of a far better future?

Anyway, enough of the questions. One indisputable fact is that your forward journey can be made in absolute safety if you follow the wise advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever, Kisma Aryias, who has written exclusively for The Bug for more than three decades.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

After watching an episode of The UnXplained on SBS TV hosted by William Shatner you check his online profile and are prompted to contact the site’s webmaster to suggest the line “he has been acting for over 70 years” should read “he has been overacting for 70 years”.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You start to wonder whether you might have a drinking problem when you realise how much you are looking forward to Give-It-a-Nudge November.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You finally come to the conclusion that dozens of bodies could be found in the wall cavities and under the stone floors of Kirribilli House and Scott Morrison could confess to being the nation’s worst serial killer ever and Phillip Coorey and Chris Uhlmann would still argue it’s an absolute tragedy that Morrison and his government were defeated back in May.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You wonder if someone at the national broadcaster is perhaps being a little too adventurous in their programming decisions when you read about a new series ABC TV plans to shoot for screening next year titled Old People’s Home for Deliberately Starved Lions.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You seek professional help for depression after watching a promo for a free-to-air TV reality show that not only tests the panellists’ knowledge of current affairs but also describes them as the nation’s best comedians.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You wait patiently for Sussan Ley to face the cameras and state categorically, brazenly, that she has never, ever, claimed that there are no electric utes being built anywhere in the world, thereby showing she’s got the makings of a future Liberal prime minister.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You lie awake at night wondering why the famous Indian Pacific train is not called the Pacific Indian train when it travels west from Sydney to Perth.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19.

Your surgeon advises your stiches can soon come out after you split your sides last weekend laughing over a Parnell Palme McGuiness article in The Sydney Morning Herald that argued Australia was lucky to have had Scott Morrison as prime minister.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You shake your head in disbelief when you hear that the Liberal Party’s slogan for the upcoming Victorian state election on 26 November will be “He’s your guy!”

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Your efforts to explain to your wife why Wednesday is called hump day fall on deaf ears.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You hear somewhere – and it makes perfect sense – that the reason Scott Morrison hasn’t resigned as the member for Cook yet is that he can’t find anywhere in the private sector the six top jobs he thinks are best suited to his talents.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You scour the ranks of the federal parliamentary Liberal Party to look for a likely replacement should Peter Dutton fail to lift his prospects as leader an potential prime minister and you break into a prolonged, uncontrollable bout of hysterical laughter.