Lady Georgina Downer has been reduced to tears by “horrid” accusations that her return to the ABC News Breakfast set to present the what-the-papers-say segment means she’s on the lookout for a fresh Liberal Party seat to contest.

Lady Georgina is the beloved daughter of Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills and heir to the magnificent family estate, Pout House; a proud fifth-generation member of the Downer family that is largely responsible for the opening up of colonial Australia and the family dynasty that played a crucial, central, role in creating the nation it has become today.

“I used to love coming on News Breakfast and freely giving my views as to why the day’s newspapers and electronic media outlets had gotten things terribly wrong in the Institute of Public Affairs’ view,” a clearly still distraught Lady Downer told The Bug between sobs and sniffles.

“And now horrid people on Twitter – lobotomised shitheads and Labor thugs/trolls – are claiming my return must mean I’m looking for a fresh seat to contest and that I need regular exposure in the media to help me achieve that.

“It’s a clearly ridiculous notion because, as daddy says, there’s not a safe Liberal seat left in the country at either state or federal level since he retired and his beloved Liberals started going downhill in his absence.

“And daddy also says I’d be stark raving bonkers to try for any seat in the Victorian state election due in November if Matthew Guy remains Opposition Leader.

“I’d have a lobster’s chance in a pot of boiling water of succeeding there.

“Please keep this under your hat for now but I think my chances of achieving my rightful place in Australian politics at the level daddy thinks suits my talents best is to form a brand new party, Georgina Downer’s Our Nation Matters Party and go from there.

“Daddy’s lawyers have begun the party registration process and don’t be surprised to see Georgina Downer’s Our Nation Matters Party contesting every federal seat in 2025. Even daddy is considering throwing his hat back in the ring. He’d obviously be Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Minister in my incoming administration.

“I’m eyeing Kooyong for myself with a wonderful campaign slogan daddy thought up: ‘Let’s steal it back from the Teal!'”