The city of Redcliffe in south-east Queensland is in pole position to secure the rights to hold the 2034 Commonwealth Games.

“We’re told there are no other bidders at this stage so we’re incredibly excited at our chances,” a Redcliffe City Council spokesperson said.

“We might be the smallest city ever to hold the Commonwealth Games but we’re confident that we’ll put on a show that will embarrass Melbourne in 2026 and Hamilton, Canada, in 2030.

“We’ll have all our major stadiums and other sporting venues ready by then although we’re still looking for somewhere suitable to hold the beach volleyball.

“The old Hornibrook highway will be rebuilt and extra humps added for the BMX and mountain-bike events.

“And our men’s and women’s marathon events are expected to be the most exciting ever, with competitors not only running back and forth across the new Hornibrook highway 24 times but at night in heavy traffic with the lights on the bridge and vehicles turned off along with the traffic direction arrows, the runners clad head to toe in non-reflective black lycra and most drivers likely to have blood alcohol levels of at least 0.2% based on current DUI records.

“In addition we’re already working on a number of additional sporting events as part of our hosting rights that will truly celebrate the vibrant history of our city and its amazing attractions that first lured Brisbane holidaymakers here in the late nineteenth Century.”

These were likely to include:

Bodgie and widgie synchronised punchups

Hoon races along the entire length of Oxley Avenue from the city’s south to its northern border.

Mullet and minimum chips eating competitions

Moreton Bay Prawn peeling competitions in 1kg, 2kg, 5kg and 10kg divisions, and

Gold medals for anyone who can still catch any edible fish or crab species of legal size and gender off Redcliffe jetty since a decline in fishing inspectors over recent decades has led to recreational fishers throwing anything with a pulse into their plastic buckets.

***

In a major publishing coup, University of Queensland Press has secured the rights to publish a single massive tome in which all the parliamentary speeches, media statements and political videos of Aunty Pauline (at top), national leader of the white indigenous One Nations people of south-east Queensland, will be translated, for the very first time, into English.