The Bug‘s self-appointed travel editor Don Gordon-Brown has just ticked a big one off his bucket list – a trip across Oz on the famous Indian Pacific. Here is his first report.

Two of our nation’s iconic and historic outback mining towns – arguably the most famous two – are not served well by the eastbound Indian-Pacific rail service.

This particular train tragic heard varying reasons as to why Kalgoorlie is a step-down-and-have-a-look stop while Broken Hill is not. For westbound travellers, it’s reversed; they do get to spend time at the famous Hill but Kalgoorlie is bypassed on the way to Perth.

The bottom-line is that both Kalgoorlie and Broken Hill are big disappointments on the west-to-east-coast journey – for different reasons.

I suspect that a clear message to the company from customer surveys on my recent journey is going to be largely scathing of the Kalgoorlie stopover.

The train rolls in after the dinner service on the first day out. It’s then onto buses around 9pm – a little later than normal to be fair – for a quick drive up the main street, a visit to the Super Pit where those with old fashioned cameras may as well have left their lens dust caps on for what they could see and, thankfully, a not-too-long play at Hannan’s North Tourist Mine where two young actors give their all to show what life was like on the Golden Mile during the Kalgoorlie gold rush that kicked off in 1893.

It’s all far too late for a typical Indian-Pacific demography of people largely with grandchildren stories to share. I hope those two actors didn’t blame their performance for the nodding heads and drooping eyes.

Let’s then rush forward to Broken Hill, where we heard various reasons why this famous town, the birthplace of BHP and its beautiful architecture, couldn’t be enjoyed. We’re in goods yards apparently with rail lines all around us and passing freight train dangers, etc, etc.

Yet, as we pull out, the 28-car train does trundle along the main station platform. Getting off safely is apparently not a problem when the train’s two engines are facing west.

Now, here are this train tragic’s suggestions for the east-bound service. Bugger-all research has gone into this, and I appreciate that train company folk who have workshopped these timetables to death over decades are probably laughing their heads off if reading this. This clown doesn’t have a clue where and when the Indian Pacific needs to be to sidelined to let far more important freight trains flash by, they might be shouting.

But I don’t care so here goes!

People get out to international airports at all hours for early-morning departures.
Instead of 10am, the IP should roll out of Perth at 8am. Why not 7am?

What a difference it would then make to passengers’ moods and concentrations to get earlier-than-normal dinner services out of the way and onto the buses at Kalgoorlie at 7pm?

The two stops next day – at Rawlinna and Cook – would not be adversely affected. There’s fuck-all to see there anyway; it’s more a chance to stretch the legs and take in some fresh air than to be amazed by the sights.

So, we would then get into Adelaide several hours earlier the next morning. The breakfasts take place on the various off-train excursions and, for the city tour people, would it be a terrible thing for our bus driver to avoid Adelaide’s “peak hour” such as it is. I’m sure the central markets – another sightseeing option – are buzzing early.

So where does all this changed timetable get us to? Broken Hill – in late afternoon instead of after dark. Let people see this wonderful place dripping with mining and labour movement history and awash with beautiful late 19th Century colonial architecture.

The only upside of this week’s non-visit was that the wonderfully funny drag queen Shelita Buffet (top and right) had time to high-heel herself onboard, played bingo with us and almost broke up my marriage as part of the onward entertainment. What a tush!

Does all this mean we would get to the Blue Mountains too early for the trip’s final off-train excursion? Not at all, seeing we apparently parked at Parkes (or somewhere else nearby) for quite a while anyway for no reason we heard that made much sense. Just park a bit less if need be, although that stationary time might explain why so many passengers were declaring their third sleep on board the best – or should that be the least fitful?

The train not moving might have been a relief to quite a few others who shared my concern over those very loud and very frequent bangs and thumps and shudders down there near the railroad each night.

Maybe this train tragic is also a bit of an unreasonable worry-wort, for I certainly started to wonder if they were possibly the very audible results of the bogies, wheels and the standard-gauge rail lines having their first major quarrel after decades together – one that threatened at times to lead to a rather messy and permanent separation.

I didn’t want this journey to be the last on my kick-the-bucket list.