The Bug’s ranter in residence pens an heartfelt open letter to his old employer

Dear Rupert

I trust this open letter finds you hearty and well as you enjoy your fifth and latest honeymoon. But I pen this in the hope that at some stage you’ll come up for breath or simply to down another Viagra smoothie stiffener to seriously consider what I now ask of you. Implore of you, in fact!

It’s now been three weeks since your son Lachlan came Down Under with that doyen of journalistic integrity and ethics News Corp UK boss Rebekah Brooks, and global chief Robert Thomson, ahead of the announcement of very serious re-restructuring of your Australian assets.

We still have only the sketchiest of details but, Rupert …. please! … do not let go the amazing columnist righters you employ at The Australian, your metropolitan and regional rags dotted around the country and of course the entire team of ‘hosts’ that make Sky LNPNews Australia can’t-miss viewing.

I’m told that even your massive papers like the weekend editions of The Daily Telegraph, The Courier Mail and The Herald Sun that are close to 200 pages and are chockablock at the moment with advertising don’t make money, so sure, get rid of all the overpaid, lazy, editorial pricks, reporters and ad salespeople who throw those editions together. No-one reads all that shit anyway and you’ll be sav9ing yourself a motza!

Imagine much smaller, profitable papers just full of page columns from the likes of Andrew Bolt, the James boys, Campbell and Morrow, Neil Mitchell, Des Houghton and top-shelf female righters such as Janet Albrechtsen, Peta Credlin and Vikki Campion.

Sure, just like the hundreds of production and righting staff and ad reps you’ll be letting go, they are also overpaid to BillyO for the LNP propaganda they also pump out and the temptation to axe the whole fucking lot of them as well must be very temping as you try to put Newscorpse Australia back on a profitable footing.

But sir, these are the very same people who have made your organisation Down Under what it is today.

Please …. please … let them continue their good work. Give them as much space as you can as they continue to amuse their Australian audiences with a surfeit of unintentional humour as they suck up your scrawny, nonagenarian arse and drag your enterprises here even further in the far-right direction.

You, sir, are a global media baron and international business guru without peer in world history. I just know in my heart of hearts that you won’t let me or Australians in general down. Stick to your business plan! It’s a deadset ripper!

As we at The Bug have repeatedly said: “Newcorpse Australian is undertaking the longest suicide note in Australian corporate history. You must be as proud as punch!

But for now, Rupe, back to that horizontal workbench. Your job there is far from done, you randy old goat, you!!!

Don Gordon-Brown

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com